Optical Allusionist

I have this thing about not being in control. So, I've never really considered myself to be a control freak, but I guess when it comes to my life, I tend to need that sense of being in charge. (I'm supposed to call it "being in charge", rather than "being in control") So, after a month of things spiraling out of control, I could feel myself beginning to break. But I held on as long as I could, being as productive as possible. I did everything I could think of to keep my head above the rapids. As I got further, and further along down the road, however, the methods I'd used often (and had helped, just as often) began to help less and less, until they weren't helpful at all. Singing to Regina Spektor, spending some time watching a fun show on television, taking a walk, taking midnight runs, they just aren't helping as much as they used to. I still do them all, but they continue to not help. Yay. So, I've been discovering, well, trying to, at least, different ways to deal with the depression, fear, and anxiety.

Even so, I could continue to feel my functionality breaking, more and more. I have been continually continuing in the work, personally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and publicly. But it's hard when you're literally drowning in grief and fear (so much so, that you can't sleep) until 3 or 4 in the morning, and then dead until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. I know I need a better sleep schedule, but it's so scary at night, that I need a friend. Fortunately I have an amazing support system. I don't feel so alone, anymore. But that doesn't make all the pain go away. It just makes the pain... different. Guess what? I can barely function now. My room's a mess. I've got to find a job, pronto. My life's a mess. I don't have a brain that will pay attention enough to the things it needs to. I have to be über careful about what I do, that might amp up my depression, guilt, or anxiety. I'm really quiet about it, though, this time.

Last year was hell. After the freak out with Devin (sigh, loooong story), Andrew (sexual harassment at work, boss took his side, said I was "picking on him" by filing the complaint, and that I was overreacting, and... well... that's a long story too, exasperated sigh), and losing Bishop Thomas in a sudden car accident, I spiraled out of control in the extreme. I had been fairly happy, and then, literally, two days later, I could barely function from the guilt, grief, depression, fear, and anger. I had to drop out of school, and almost went to an institution because of how bad it had gotten. I was struggling to stay alive, literally. That's not how it is now. I mean, it's hard to want to live, much less like living, when your life's so saturated with pain as mine has been the past couple weeks, but don't worry about me killing myself! Not gonna happen. Anyway, what I was gonna say was that when last year occurred, I was so frightened by how depressed I was, that I basically told everyone everything. It's not been like that this year. I mean, seriously, it's pretty embarrassing. Last year I had my freak out session, so I'm not entitled to any more, right???

People try to understand. Friends try to help. But sometimes... they're not as big of a help as they try to be. :) Sad day, right? Sometimes we forget how debilitating depression or anxiety problems can be. LITERALLY, they can be as debilitating as cancer, diabetes, or a heart attack. Seriously. They are an illness, not a state of mind. I've been fervently trying to remind myself of that, as my functionality has been breaking, trying not to blame myself for things I can't quite control right now. Sure, I can do what I can to live as healthily (emotionally, physically, etc) as I can, so I don't get a reinstitution of depression or cancer, but y'wouldn't blame a person if they got another wave of cancer, would you? So... work on not blaming someone with depression, who is doing whatever they can. I mean, if somebody's got cancer, and they're blaming the cancer for everything, but they're not doing anything about it... well, they can't be blamed for having the cancer, but they sure as hell oughta do something about it. So... the fact that I have depression? Not my fault. The fact that I am continuing to have severe bouts of depression, concerning the past couple weeks? Actually, I don't think that's my fault either, since I sincerely am doing everything I can to get of this. Do you think I like being here? I am hoping. I am living. I am trying.

And that's about all I can do right now-- try to survive.

So, yeah, I guess this blog would count as being a little more open about the problems I've been having. I'm actually not entirely sure what the objective of this blog was... maybe to help people understand? I'm not really sure. Cause if you haven't had anxiety, or depression, I'm sorry, but you can't understand. It's something totally different than anything I've dealt with before. Anyway... yeah. :) Some things I have learned from having depression:

* Things always get better
* It is totally worth it, to keep trying as hard as you can
* Stay with the Lord. He loves you!