Optical Allusionist

Please don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that is second nature to me, but don't be fooled, for heaven's sake don't be fooled.

I give you the impression I'm secure and that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name, coolness my game, that water is calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me, please don't believe me.

My surface may be smooth, but my surface is a mask, my every varying and ever concealing mask. Beneath it dwells the real confusion, fear and aloneness. Beneath lies my smugness, my complacently, but I hide this, I don't want anyone to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically created a mask to hide behind, nonchalant sophisticated facades to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows, but such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation and I know it. That is if it's followed by acceptance. If it's followed by love, it's the only thing
that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls and from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.

It's the only thing that will assure me of what I cannot assure myself, that I'm really worth while, but I don't tell you this, I don't dare. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that acceptance and love will not follow your glance. I'm afraid you'll think less of me and you'll laugh and your laugh will kill me. I'm afraid that deep down, I'm nothing and that I'm just no good and that you'll see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending with the facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade of masks, the glittering, but empty parade of masks and my life becomes a front.

I idle chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing and nothing of what's everything and what's crying within me. So when I'm through going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, but for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.

I dislike hiding; honestly, I dislike the superficial game I'm playing, the superficial phony game. I'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me, you've got to hold out your hand, even when it's the last thing I seem to want or need.

You can help wipe away from my eyes, the blank stare of grieving dead. You can help call me into aliveness each time you're kind, gentle and encouraging. Each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, and very feeble wings, but wings. If you choose to, please choose me.

You can help break down the wall behind which I tremble. You can encourage me to remove my mask. You can help release me from my shadowed world of panic and uncertainty. From my lonely prison.

So do not pass me by, please don't pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A lone conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back. It's irrational, but despite what books say about man, I am irrational, I fight against the very things that I cry out for, but I am told love is stronger than strong walls.

In this lies my hope, my only hope, please help beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.



... And I have seen the glare in their eyes when they know. The ominous "difference" apparent. Please, don't look at me as though I am a sudden stranger. I am only me- the girl you've known for years. I haven't changed because you know. If anyone has changed as of late, it's you, not me. So stare at yourself. Stare with the eyes of hate. Not a hate of anger, but a hate of better-than.

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August 19, 2006

In the song "Some People Change", originally sung by Kenny Chesney (but I prefer Montgomery Gentry's version), it addresses a racist and an alcoholic, but I think change goes deeper than the obvious situations. The verses are intriguing in the song, but it's the chorus that sparks my interest the most:

"Here's to the strong! Thanks to the brave!
Don't give up hope- Some people change!
Against all odds, against the grain,
Love finds a way- Some people change!"

It particularly makes me think of an old friend. When he was young he got mixed up in something he knew he ought not to do. And now, years later, I'm discovering that people can change. He's not perfect, and sometimes the imperfect parts of him frustrate me completely, but as I learn patience, (sheesh, that's hard) I learn what a sensitive young man he is. It's hard to change ideologies that have been deeply embedded into the heart and mind about him, but I try to be patient with myself and with him. Both are hard. A house divided can not stand. We are told to love everyone, and that can be really, really hard. I don't think God looks at us when we say "it is a hard thing you ask us to do" and say "Jerk, why dontcha do them anyways. I don't care if it's hard. It's what I asked you to do!" He understands that it's hard, but he still expects it of us. He takes us in His arms and helps (if we allow Him to) us work out our problem.

In the new Joseph Smith movie, there's a point where Brother Joseph is playing a stick pull with an "unbeatable", boastful neighbor. Before the stick pull begins, Joseph winks and says something like "Sometimes we must be put low before the Lord can pull us higher." I've experienced both. And I try not to underestimate either- the tremendous struggle, and the tremendous blessing. ... And, y'know, I know the two are separate, but the struggle can be the blessing, and the blessing can be the struggle. But I originally meant the two to be quite seperate. I know I spelled "seperate" twice two different ways- Oh well. ?: )

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August 19, 2006

I have a friend that's quite a bit older than me. (Hahaha, I have a few of them) She has children and is worried to the extreme about keeping them safe. When she was younger (I don't know how young) she had an experience that was abusive (and that is the extent of my knowledge on her past life concerning the subject) I haven't talked with her a lot lately- I don't see her a lot, and when I do the conversation goes sort of like this:

"How are you?"
"I'm fine"
"Cool... Are you excited for school to start?"
"Yep. A little nervous, but it'll be good... How about you?"
"Yep, everything's good."
"Cool"
"Yep"

Shelly's my name, superficial's my game. There's so much I want to tell her though. I don't want to tell her nothing will happen to her kids 'cause things happen when we don't realize it. But I want her to not give up hope! I want her to know there are things before and after abuse that can be done to help. I feel so inadequate in the subject. I want to tell her God loves her and her children, and even though He can't choose for those who would hurt them, He is SO willing to help with their healing!! I want to tell her all the little protection clues I've heard over and over: explain appropriate touching, if you feel uncomfortable tell an adult, etc. I want to tell her that things that seem small may be SO significant- maybe not in keeping them initially safe, but in keeping them strong. Scripture reading and prayer are so key in strength!!! In the Ensign (for August or July 2006) the visiting teaching message was SO not thorough. In fact, it was ridiculously idealistic. It stated that scripture reading (family and personal) and prayer (f & p) would keep children safe. WRONG!! The 'perfect' family with the 'perfect' parents and the 'perfect' children can still have something happen to them!! In fact, adversity is a given in this life, so guess what- they WILL have "something happen"! I want to tell her that leaders - school, church, extracurricular, etc - can help IMMENSELY!! I want to tell her that therapy is a good idea if the situation ever occurs. I want to tell her that, if her bishop is good, then she can turn to him. (Some bishops are horrible. I have a friend who was sexually abused as a child who can not turn to her cold, angry bishop, or her distant young women's president.... So Sad!) I want to tell her that no matter what God is there!

I wrote a letter telling her all these things and more. I read it to my mom, asking if I should send it, but she says (is this bad or good?) that it sounded like I was a therapist... which I guess is quite the compliment seeing as how I'm going to be a clinical psychologist, but I wanted to be a friend, not a counselor. Oh well. But I did write her a letter thanking her for a conversation we had on forgiveness. Unfortunately I had to get to work in like half an hour and I still had to eat and shower, etc. So I ran up to her out of breath, gave her the letter, said "This is for you", looked at her for a sec, gave her a hug, and ran off. Sigh, I've been trying to reach her since Thursday (when I gave it to her) but have been unable to... I guess we'll see what happens, huh?

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August 30, 2006

Do you know me? I wonder if you do. I wonder if I do! There are many "Shelly Steele"s. There's the one who stands up in front of the young women and smiles and is a I'm-never-sad-Shelly, or a 'good example', or a I'm-here-to-help-Shelly. In classes when I crack a joke, no one laughs. Other kids who are joking all the time say something entirely unfunny and everybody laughs. Why do I have to fit the freakin' norm? My flippin' sta--- :) hahaha, whoops, unofficially copyrighted... right? 'cause "you're not supposed to be anyone else" they say, and yet 'they' get upset when you get out of who they think you are.

Ugh, society infuriates me.

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Authenticity. The ability to accept ones' self enough to not care if others see personal parts of you. Similar word: genuinity.

If I could invent anything at all, it would be this: an instrument that would allow the viewer the ability to look at everyone as their true self. For instance, perhaps a telescope that the viewer could look through, or a black light bar to see emotional bruises. Enough to make everyone so naked, we see that it's the nakedness that's natural, and to no longer be embarrassed about our little quips and quittles.

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If I were to ask you, "Are you honest?", how many of you would say "Why, yes, thank you. I most certainly am." Perhaps the better question would be "Are you integretous?" (Yes, I know that's not a word- don't worry about it.) What would you say then? Are you true to yourself? What does it mean to truly hold to your integrity?
We live in a world of masks, personas, and allusions. I spell "illusions" with an 'a' in this case because that is just what they have become. We are master Allusionists, alluding to the world who we "really" are. 'Dramaturgy' is the idea stating that we all have a role in life. We're actors. We have costumes, lines, and dress rehearsals. When we mess up, we know it, and are set back into line.

True integrity includes showing and being comfortable with who you are in truth, now who you appear to be.

This is why I am, as we all are, an "allusionst". Not only am I an illusion, but an allusion. I show you what I want you to see of me.

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