Optical Allusionist

I've had a lot of thoughts lately... they cover a wide range of subjects, so this blog post may be more of a ramble than a set list of ideas and thoughts.

I've gone through a lot of transitions in my life as of the past two years. I left the religion of my childhood. I came to terms with my attractions to women, and then came to terms with my manhood. I have been through much tribulation. Last year was one of the worst, and one of the best years of my life. I was in a relationship with a woman who I have loved more than anyone else, myself included. She brought spice and beauty to my life. My love for her continues to grow. The chance I had, a chance some people never get, to be with someone I truly love, was and is precious. She showed me the majesty of rotting houses, and the need the world has for people who will love it. She taught me to eat healthier, and not to crush bugs on the sidewalk. She showed me love, dedication, and acceptance. I had experienced love, but she made the word grow for me. It made me feel like I had never understood the word before, and that's only where it began.

I came out as a lesbian-- I didn't have the words yet to describe my masculinity-- and a month or so after, our relationship was outed to her family, and all hell broke loose. I will spare the reader the meat of the story, but will explain somewhat the effects of a wolf in sheep's clothing, or hate in love's clothing... Thus followed 3 complete mental break downs for her, a near-institutionalization for her-- which we should have taken... hindsight is 20/20, a near-suicide-attempt for me, several doctors appointments for me-- taking care of her was stressful to my emotional and physical self, but she is always worth it, and she honestly had no one else--, days and nights without sleep for the both of us and food for her, an emergency room visit for her, several calls to the local suicide hotline for her. In the meantime, her family was acting atrociously (the thing that pushed her to the edge in the first place), sending her to the brink and refusing to help, and insisting that I not be the one to help her. I have never seen something so ugly as someone who insists they love you while they literally drive you insane, drive you to death.

My love and I moved away at the end of the summer to continue school elsewhere, but the effects of the stress from the summer proved too much. I did better, once I was out of reach of her family, but, although she wasn't in as bad shape as before, she continued to feel great pain, guilt, and fear. The pain became too much, and we had to end our official relationship. She loved me, and I loved her, and we continue to care about each other in a way I never though possible, but she couldn't handle the elephant on her back anymore... and I do not blame her.

I've... matured. ...I hope, haha. I think I have.

Another thing that has happened to me has been an extreme surprise. My 14 year old self would be incredibly appalled.

I don't talk to my family about my feelings concerning the religion I was raised in, because I know they are at rest in "the Church", and more than anything, I want them to be happy and at rest. They have treated me with incredible respect-- respect I have not always deserved. They have treated me with extreme love. I am one of the lucky few, to not only still have a vague connection to the people who are blood related to me, but to have a loving relationship with them. We seek to understand each other, and build each other up, even if includes things we don't understand. And then we seek to understand.

But... as to my relationship with "the Church"...

Not only have I taken my name off the records of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the Mormon/LDS Church), but I have come across information that leads me to view the specific religion in an unfavorable light. It is about the abuse, the past and present oaths in the secret ceremonies in the temple, the purposeful cover-ups by Church leadership of Church history that continue today, the finances and manipulation within the finances, the history of ethnocentrism, xenophobia, racism, sexism, heterosexism, cysgenderism, it is about the manipulation within so-called "loving" teachings, the lies, and the "love"-cloaked hatred. I understand that these are severe accusations, and if anyone would like specifics, they are welcome to message me. Let it be understood: I am not discussing the people of "the Church" or the culture of Utah, although I believe it is highly influenced by "the Church". I am discussing specific doctrines, specific events in Church history, specific actions and words of leaders, specific beliefs and ideologies supported by high leadership and doctrines within "the Church". I am appalled at my contributions to such an organization as this.

...I have changed a lot. Many transitions.

I'm beginning another one. After 10 months of beginning to understand my masculinity, 8 months of incredible thought and effort and acceptance of my being a man in a female body. I have begun testosterone injections, and am excited for the day when my outer appearance will better match my inner self.

Transitions are a good, and somewhat tiring, thing. I'm okay with transition, ESPECIALLY if it's towards the better. The better is not always free of pain, of frustration, and stress. But the better is more ethical, which becomes a transition for the happier. Happiness is found deep inside of us. We may be stressed, sad, angry, frustrated, and still find a deep resounding happiness. I am so, very, very happy. But that does not mean I am not without confusion. It's a very good kind of confusion.

I think the theme of the post today is: transition. And that is all.

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Two Lists of Teachings or Practices of the LDS Church that I Intend to Continue or Discontinue Incorporating Into My Life

Even though I no longer affiliate myself with the organization The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and I do not consider myself to be one of their members, there are traditions, practices, and teachings that I will continue to keep in my life, and will one day teach my children. Some of these are specific to the Church, like the Primary songs I'll be singing to my children, and some of them are not tied specifically to the Church, like the belief that one should ponder things out in our hearts or the belief that we must love one another. In my own way, even though I no longer consider myself Mormon, I'll always be a Mormon girl.

The following two lists, (the first being a list of traditions, aspects, or teachings I intend to keep, the second being a list of traditions, aspects, or teachings I no longer believe and will no longer be continuing to incorporate into my life, and intend to not incorporate into my family's life) are not meant to offend or hurt. This is for the sake of honest communication, as, over the course of the past 9 months, I have had many people ask me why I'm leaving, or why I no longer feel I can support the Church. Most of my answer has been to the reason of "I found in a higher way of thinking, that being gay was okay, and after that I realized I could no longer coincide with the Church", but it is somewhat more complicated than that--- which you found, if you questioned me further. If you're one of those people, this is your answer.

I understand that people on both sides of the spectrum will disagree with a couple things I have listed, and that's okay. This list is not meant definitively, nor is it meant in terms of being a list of the good or bad of Mormonism. Honestly, few may agree and that's okay because this list was my list, not your list, and I imagine that if you were to create a list, I would not agree with everything on that list either. We're two separate people, and that's how it's supposed to be. If you see yourself being very hurt or very angry, you have my permission to stop at anytime throughout the text.

You will notice that the list of things I will continue to incorporate into my life is longer than those I don't. However, most listed in the second list are more important to me, and most listed in the first list are not equivocally tied to the Church. I do not intend to join or attend any church that agrees with many of the things on the second list. It's nothing against the Mormon Church, as much as it is that my beliefs do not match up/line up with the teachings of the Mormon Church. I believe that God would best support me supporting a religion that I agree with, rather than staying with one that I don't upon the hope that I will receive exaltation.

I know some of you will not agree with me having posted this note, and if that's the case, for heaven's sake, keep it to yourselves. Nothing will profit you from telling me that you don't think I should have done something I already did. AND, if you don't think it should have been posted, you probably weren't the ones it was directed to, so don't worry about it: you don't have to read it.

On a side note, if there are any things you feel I have left out, because I know I must have, leave a comment at the bottom (I responded to things that have been on my mind, and mostly the list of gospel topics on lds.org), and I'll be sure to edit the note and address that point. If you are offended, angry, or hurt, please don't leave divisive or negative comments about it. I will delete your comment. This is a list of my beliefs, and I hope you can respect that it is as perfectly acceptable for me to be appropriately vocal about my lack of belief in those men being prophets, as it is for you to be vocal in your belief that they are indeed prophets. If you have a question, or want something clarified, I am willing to discuss, not to debate, over facebook message, or over email at krazykiddz@gmail.com. Remember, too, that there may come a time in that discussion that we will simply have to accept that we will not agree.

I'll tag some people in this note, not as a list of people who this was directed to, but rather as a list of who I would like to look over the list. I want some feedback, and I want to be reasonably challenged so I can verify once more what I believe, (i.e. Can I back it up?) since I believe the questioning of one's beliefs is a positive attribute.

Now, to continue with my list:




Beliefs and/or Practices I Will Continue to Incorporate Into My Life


* Their approach to abuse: encouraging forgiveness w/ the correct timing, while encouraging justice and healing w/o self-blame

* The belief (*T b) that everyone experiences grief and adversity, and that we all deal with it in our own time, in our own way

* T b that you can live out eternity with the one you are wholly committed to (difference of opinion, however, on how best to show that commitment, or how to join the club on who gets to live it out)

* T b that women should only get an abortion if they cannot emotionally or physically handle the pregnancy or birthing

* T b that each person has the ability to choose (free agency) (differences of opinion, however, on what the best choices are to choose)

* I'll be singing primary songs, like my mother sung to me, to my children. I will also continue to sing many of the hymns from the LDS hymnal.

* T b that it is severely important to learn how to love one another

* So far, I still definitely think that Joseph Smith was a prophet.

* T b that men will not be punished for Adam's transgression

* T b that there are certain universal laws that all men must live by (however, difference of opinion on what those laws are)

* T b that all men ought to have the right to practice religion as they wish, as long as it is not directly harmful to people or animals

* T b (in terms of doctrine, not necessarily that of all their actions) that it is right to be good to people, to be friendly, tolerant of others' beliefs, to be honest-- which is what I'm doing w/ these lists--, to be generous, to not hurt your fellow men, women, children, animals, or the world we live on.

* T b that birth control is between the two beings in question, and whatever they feel is right, however and wherever they may discover their answer from.

* T b that there is a higher and a lower afterlife. I believe that there are degrees of the afterlife that vary in terms of each person, and each family. I believe that families continue on into forever, but that a "family" is not necessarily meant in terms of "a group that is connected by marriage or blood", but rather "loved ones who support each other and hold each other up with a degree of commitment", but that those loved ones can and often are related to each other through marriage or blood.

* T b that a couple (homo & heterosexual, which is a difference of opinion) can obtain the ultimate commitment and should show that commitment in the best way they feel possible, and that adultery is unequivocally wrong. The utmost respect and commitment should be shown to those who you are thus bonded to.

* T b that people should only begin dating upon reaching a mature level. However, I think it is more of a personal matter, and whether that level is mostly or always reached at age 16, or not, I'm not sure.

* T b that we can see our loved ones after death.

* T b that there is most definitely evil in the world, but not necessarily that it is encouraged by one evil source (a.k.a. the devil)

* Except for things like receiving an education, avoid debt at all costs

* T b that under the correct circumstances, as they range from abuse to irreconcilable differences, divorce is appropriate as long as it is done in the right way

* T b that receiving an education, men and women, is of the utmost importance. For whatever/whoever you plan (or upon the incidence of an accident) to bring into this world, be sure you can support them.

* T b that there are things that we can do to strengthen our families.

* T b that it is important to be prepared, whether that be with a savings plan, or having food storage.

* T b that to forgive is a divine (or a higher) attribute

* T b that it is important to connect with our ancestors

* T b that gratitude is a divine (higher) attribute

* T b that true honesty, with one's self, with respectful honesty with those around you, is a higher attribute

* T b that a higher way of thinking would seek for us to find true happiness, which can be found inside of us upon making the right decisions. (however, difference of opinion on what those right decisions are. For instance, now that I've chosen to be true to myself as a gay woman, I'm much happier... but the Church would not consider that a choice that would make me ultimately happier-- I disagree)

* T b that humility is a higher attribute (however, there comes a time when we must stop apologizing and we must choose to be direct)

* T b that judgments must be guided with righteous intentions and guidelines (however, difference in opinion on who is supposed to judge, what they're allowed to do what those judgments, and what those guidelines are)

* T b that we all have access to obtain personal revelation through a higher way of thinking.

* T b that sacrifice can help us obtain a closer connection to that higher way of thinking.

* T b that the service of those we love, and those in our community, as well as those in other communities-- with similar or dissimilar beliefs to ours-- is necessary for the well-being of humanity and it is necessary for personal growth.

* I will continue, as I can, attending appropriate religious services, in hopes of coming closer, through greater introspection, to that higher thinking.

* We both (the Church and I) believe in peace, but will accept war when necessary.



Beliefs and/or Practices I Will Discontinue Incorporating Into My Life


* The belief that the priesthood (as in "the power of God, and the right to act in his name") was meant for men, and that they have a closer connection with God because of it-- I believe that this connection is equally accessible to both men and women and is something that is internally acquired, not acquired through an ordination

* T b that the leadership of the church is made up of prophets. I believe that they have as much of an access to Godly knowledge (a higher way of thinking) as any of us, but I believe that sometimes they have a closer connection due to the amount of time they spend focusing on the cultivation of that connection. Mostly, I believe they talk with God, but they do not speak for God. They are men who are subject to their own prejudices

* T b that consumption of a mild amount of alcohol or drugs is morally wrong

* There are several scriptural references that I, and much of the educated world, differ, due to some significant translational evidence, in opinion in terms of the Church's scriptural interpretations.

* T b that baptism by water is currently necessary to enter into their ideal afterlife. I believe it was once a symbolic fulfillment of what many call "conversion", but it is more accurately a specific change that occurs in us that qualifies us.

* T b that both the King James Version of the bible is an accurate translation (as we are constantly finding new discoveries that give us greater insight into the translation of words, and the belief that the Book of Mormon is unequivocally the Word of God. HOWEVER, in order for something to qualify as the word of God, in my belief, it need only follow what the Lord teaches, and because I find many similar teachings in what I find with God, and what I find in the Book of Mormon, my belief is that there is much to glean from reading the Book of Mormon.

* T b that the 10 tribes will converge in America

* T b that faith (as in the un or little questioned trust that those who claim to be prophets of God, speak for God) is a Godly attribute. I believe that God, or any higher being of high morality, would hope that we would not just pray and be faithful that the answer we feel we have gotten was right, but that we would study it, as Joseph Smith did. Jesus had his doubts, so he studied them for the answers, as he tried to keep his connection to the higher way of thinking, through what many would consider to be "prayer". Only through questioning and truly finding out for one's self, can one be truly at peace with their beliefs.

* Body piercing, the consumption of coffee & tea, swearing (done in the correct setting), acquiring tattoos, these are personal choices. Pretty sure God is still going to be okay with you if you've got a nose ring, as long as you've been good and kind and loving and accepting.

* I believe that fornication and adultery are two separate issues, as adultery deals with a heart wrenching dishonesty and the breaking of an utmost commitment. Polyamory is different than adultery, and very similar to polygamy. Polyamory is the belief-- held by both/all in the relationship-- that it is possible to love and to fulfill this utmost commitment with multiple people.

* T b that we must unequivocally follow all laws of the government. Sometimes riots, boycotts, necessary force is... necessary. Only sometimes, but... yeah. Mostly, I agree with shooting down a bad government, whether it be by the law or not. By the law first, then, if it's not working after a long amount of time, you take whatever means necessary.

* T b that homosexuality is more morally wrong than heterosexuality. I believe that anything wrong with homosexuality is wrong with heterosexuality (i.e. adultery)

* T b that marriage is the only right way to show a perfect commitment to who you share that ultimate commitment with.

* I absolutely cannot agree with the patriarchal order, as I believe it makes the woman second class in the relationship.

* T b that only in the LDS temple, and only through the ordinations accomplished there, can you be sealed with your family, and be with them for forever.

* T b that there is only one right way to live our lives, that there is only one path to "heaven"



* "T b" stands for "The belief..."

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During and following California’s Proposition 8 campaign, the LDS Church declared it is not “anti-gay” and “does not object to rights for same-sex couples regarding hospitalization and medical care, fair housing and employment rights, or probate rights.” On November 5th, Elder L. Whitney Clayton stated the LDS Church does not oppose “civil unions or domestic partnerships.” In response to these statements, Equality Utah has launched its Common Ground Initiative, designed to address each of the issues mentioned by the LDS Church. The majority of these items will be introduced as bills in the 2009 General Session of the Utah Legislature; however, Expanding Healthcare is initially being addressed as a policy change.

1. Expanding Health Care-most gay Utahns can not insure their family. Currently, Equality Utah is working to secure an Executive Order, which would extend benefits for State of Utah employees and their adult designees. Since the State of Utah is the state’s largest employer, this is a great start in getting insurance plans to cover all family structures.

2. Fair Housing & Employment-Right now it is legal in Utah for people to be fired from their jobs or evicted from their homes just because they’re gay or transgender. All Utahns should have the chance to provide for their families and stay in their homes without fear of being unjustly fired or evicted for reasons that have nothing to do with ability to work or pay rent. A Fair Workplace bill was introduced in the 2008 session as HB 89. This year, the Fair Employment portion was added and the bill has been introduced as HB 267.

3. Wrongful Deaths-The sudden death of a loved one is painful. When someone dies because of the negligence or malpractice of another, we can help families stay in their homes by removing existing barriers to inheritance and insurance. This bill was introduced in the 2007 session as SB 58 and in the 2008 session as SB 73. The bill is SB 32 in the 2009 session.
*This bill was defeated in the Senate Judiciary Committee by a 4-2 vote.

4. Domestic Partner Rights and Responsibilities Act- Apart from marriage, we can do much more to help committed couples in Utah care for each other. This bill creates a domestic partner registry and will attach rights of inheritance, insurance, and fair housing.

5. Clarifying Amendment 3- A government registry involving inheritance, housing, and insurance is nowhere near the legal equivalent of marriage. But the second part of Amendment 3 has been misinterpreted to prevent any recognition of gay and transgender couples in Utah. This bill would repeal the portion of Amendment 3 which states “no other domestic union, however denominated, may be recognized as marriage or be given the same or substantially equivalent legal effect.” It will not change Utah’s current definition of marriage, which is one man and one woman.

Help us secure these rights by joining our Common Ground Initiative. Be part of our work for a fair & just Utah and sign the petition of support today!



References

California and Same-Sex Marriage
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
Newsroom
June 30, 2008

The Divine Institution of Marriage - Introduction
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
Newsroom
August 13, 2008

Church Responds to Same-Sex Marriage Votes
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
Newsroom
November 5, 2008

Mormon Leaders Urge Respect for Foes in Gay-Marriage Debate
The Salt Lake Tribune
Brooke Adams
November 5, 2008


LDS Official Lauds Work for California’s Prop. 8
Deseret News
Carrie A. Moore
November 6, 2008


Equality Utah: Common Ground Initiative

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K, you're gonna have to look at this with a lax point of view. Don't take this too seriously, okay. I'm not looking to get into an argument of how rude he is, or whether gay marriage is right. Just, if you enjoy it, enjoy it. If you don't, we can talk later...

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Please, as we come closer to the voting booths (for those of you who have not yet arrived), please take these things into consideration.

You may agree or disagree with Proposition 8, but please be polite. These men and women, gay, straight, bi, whatever, are your brothers and sisters, and ought to be treated as such. Please, be kind. Recognize their divine nature. If you are reading this post, you are more likely a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This religion posted a pamphlet earlier in the year, entitled "God Loveth His Children". Take it into account. In it, as members of His church, we are encouraged to be tolerant and kind, to all who disagree with us, or live a different lifestyle.

You do not have to agree or disagree with the proposition. It is your prerogative to have an opinion. However, it is a right, as human beings, as children of God, for others to be treated with respect.

As for the beliefs of our church: We do not agree with "marriage" being given to homosexuals/bisexuals. However, we are all right with allowing civil unions to occur between same sex couples. We may not endorse it, but we do not condemn it (within the institution of government). And we always are supportive of tolerance and respect.

Be a righteous representative of your Lord, and your church, for you are a representative, as you have taken the Lord's name upon you when you were baptized.

Do you think Jesus would treat same-sex couples, or people with homosexual tendencies, any different than he would you, a fellow imperfect soul?

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