Optical Allusionist

The past two years, I have had, perhaps, I'm estimating, 50 or more people tell me that I need to understand where they are coming from, and then tell me something about my life that reveals how little time they have spent trying to understand where I am coming from. This note is not to attack these people, but rather to address the situation. I would say that about half of these people were beside themselves with anger at me and my differences, and about half spoke with love and sincerity, but with a lack of education, experience and understanding. This note is for the second half.

I am tired. It becomes exhausting to explain to everyone. It is exhausting to justify yourself to everyone. I know I have been rude in response a handful of times, but I have tried hard, much more often than not, to always take the opportunity to turn the other cheek, and to treat people, who perhaps did not always deserve it, with respect and dignity. I hope that, as you read this, you can treat me with that same respect. If you are one of the few that I have treated with disrespect, and unkindness, I am truly sorry, and I hope we get a second chance.

There are many reasons for people to feel the need to contact me... and, by this, I mean that I have taken stances, made choices, and have beliefs that offend people. I never take a stance, make a choice, or have a belief to offend, but rather because I believe it is right. I hold myself to a stronger moral code now, than I believe I ever had before, because I take extra care now to look at each of my decisions and analyze what is the right and wrong way to do things. I am an atheist. I am a communist. I am transsexual. I lived as a lesbian. I am not spiritual. I live with my significant other. I am an ex-Mormon, and what some might wrongly consider to be an anti-Mormon. I do not believe in an afterlife. I make day-to-day choices, for instance, I occasionally drink an alcoholic beverage, that most people I was raised with do not think is morally right. Take your pick. There are many reasons for people, "as my friend", to tell me that I'm wrong, and that I will never be happy.

But they forget that everyone is made happy for different reasons. Happiness is complicated because people are complicated, and what might make one person at peace with themselves will cause chaos in another. I am more happy, and more at peace than I have ever been. This is because I have taken the things that make me, Jack Kadin Steele, happy, and I have put them in the forefront of my mind when I make decisions that will affect my life. The path I have chosen in my life may very well make another person miserable. I have known a few that it has.

There are three different types of pursuits of happiness:

"Dr Martin E.P. Seligman, a proponent of positive psychology, has identified three types of happiness.

Pleasant life.A pleasant life consists of having as much pleasure as you can, as many of the positive emotions, and learning some of the dozen or so techniques that actually work for increasing the duration and intensity of your pleasures. There are shortcuts to the pleasures. You can go shopping; you can watch television; you can take drugs. These things do not lead to true happiness.

Engaged life.An engaged life is being one with the music, being totally wrapped up in the people you love or what you're hearing. There are no shortcuts to the engaged life. The engaged life can only be had by first knowing what your highest strengths are, your signature strengths, and re-crafting your life to use them at work, in love, in leisure, in parenting and in friendship.

Meaningful life.A meaningful life consists of again knowing what your highest strengths and talents are and using them in the service of something that you believe is bigger than you are." -- "The Three Types of Happiness" (http://www.evancarmichael.com/Human-Resources/775/The-three-types-of-happiness--are-you-really-happy.html)

Because of the popular teachings of the Mormon religion, the popular belief is that people who leave, or people who decide to take a different route in life than that "intended" are doing so because they are lazy, tired of following the rules... following a pursuit of pleasure. I am sure that there are people who leave the LDS religion and lifestyle because they are "tired of following the rules", but most of those who I have met who have left have left for reasons that are much deeper, and much more understandable when explained. It's a tragedy that they do not get the chance to explain more before a judgment is unwittingly cast. It is a huge jump for someone who does not know me to assume that they know better than I something as tied to myself as my happiness and my identity.

So you will understand my story better, I will tell you briefly why I left the Mormon religion, and then give the reader an argument that gives the possibility for a Mormon belief in a separation of birth sex and gender identity, and then I tell you what makes ME happy-- truly happy-- and that will, perhaps, begin to explain why I have taken the measures in my life that I have.

I left, little known to many, 3 times... because I never truly left the first two times. I continued to wonder if I would go back, and still wanted to, in a way.

The first time, I left because I [believed I] was gay, and I accepted and loved myself, and knew I could never continue to immerse myself in an environment that was not affirming of my whole self, which included the part of me that loved-- what I believe to be the most beautiful contribution a person can make to this world.

The second time, I left because I saw the effects of the spiritual abuse in the life of my loved one. I felt like I could never support anything that hurt someone as deeply as she was hurting, especially when I loved her as deeply as I did.

The third time I left was the most meaningful to me, and the final time, and it is because of this final reason that I will never be coming back... I finally left because I discovered enough things about past and present Church history that could be backed up factually, that implicated the leaders and doctrine in what I believed and continue to believe are a number of moral and ethical wrongs that affect the majority of the Church members, and many, many non-members.

And that third reason could ensue an entirely different topic, but I'm going to leave that to people who would like to message me about specifics... because, honestly, there are too many branches on that tree for me to span each one of them... Does that make sense?


(I apologize in advance to my gender-queer friends that this argument does not yet account for them... Help me out, eh?)
Why I believe Mormons should accept the belief of the separation of gender identity and birth sex, based on their own beliefs:

PRESUMPTION 1: God has power to make our bodies a certain way, to match our inner spirit. "We are a child of God"; "All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God."

PRESUMPTION 2: God wants us to be either MALE or FEMALE. "Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents...Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."

FACT 1: 1 out of 100 human bodies varies from the standard primary and secondary sex characteristics. 1 out of 100 people are intersex, which means that their bodies differ from standard male or female bodies. This may mean you are one of the 1/20,000 men who have male bodies and two X chromosomes, or it may mean you have both male and female genitalia, or ambiguous genitalia. (Intersex Society of North America: http://www.isna.org/faq/frequency)

CONCLUSION 1: God has limited to no power when he creates our bodies, because he wants us to be one way but some bodies don't match their spirit. This leaves the possibility that there are people with spirits that did not match their bodies, leaving the possibility for transsexual people to not be confused but be complaining of a legitimate problem within their body.

CONCLUSION 2: God has power, but does not wish for all of his children to have bodies that match their spirits. This leaves the possibility, again, that there are people with spirits that do not match their bodies, leaving the possibility for transsexual people to not be confused but be complaining of a legitimate "problem" within their body.

My concern with this topic is: What does the Church expect the intersex member to do, since your choices in life, as a member, are so dependent on whether you are female or male? Who do they marry? Do they receive the priesthood? It seems like the conclusion is that they either decide what sex they are-- not by their body (birth sex), but who they feel they are (gender identity), or that they stay in limbo until they are resurrected.

An inappropriate response to this conundrum is that we can't know the mysteries of God. When God says the world is one way, and we can see in front of our noses the exact opposite, it is no longer about the mysteries of God, but the mystery of why God may be ignorant of his own world.

For more information, which I would recommend to those who know little to nothing about transsexualism, you are always welcome to ASK ME QUESTIONS, and you could also read the introduction to Becoming a Visible Man (http://allusionism.blogspot.com/2010/08/becoming-visible-man-by-jamison-green.html) by Jamison Green, to start off.


And for the third and final section of this particular note, I will telll you what makes me-- Jack Kadin Steele-- incredibly happy, and at peace with himself and life. It is a happiness that is based in pursuing both an engaged life, and a meaningful life, with spurts of a pursuit of a pleasant life. It is not a set of spurts of happiness, but rather things that create a resounding, long-lasting, deep happiness.

It makes me happy to base my beliefs about how the world works on what I can know to be truth, evidence and proof that can be empirically tested. For instance, because there is no empirically testable evidence to become proof of a being that has power or influence in my creation or life, I do not believe in one. This means lots of things in my life, one of which is that I do not base my actions off of what someone has told me an unprovable being wants me to do. This makes me happy, because I can feel confident that I am not basing my actions off something I have no basis of knowledge in. I am also happy when I test my beliefs of how the world works, so I can be sure to continue to see if 1) I am happy where I am in life, and 2) I believe truth.

It makes me happy to be true to who I am. There will never be another me. I am unique, and special, and happy to be so. I am good enough as I am, and intend to treat myself as such, whether I'm gay, transsexual, or anything else. I am happiest when I treat myself and others with respect, dignity, and kindness, finding beauty in the world around me, whether it be in the vivid colors of the flowers, the excited explorations of my daughter-kitten, or the beautiful feeling of waking up with someone I love beside me. It gives me happiness to mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those in need of comfort. It makes me happy to laugh when I can, and cry when I need.

It makes me happy is to surround myself with affirming people in my life. This doesn't mean that I surround myself with yes-men, but rather that I surround myself with people who will be looking out for me, based on what they know of me and what I need, not just what they think I need, that they will bring out the best in me, and encourage me to be the best that I am, and appreciate the best that is in me. I am happiest when I try to continue to always grow, to always become better.


What I've written here is just a taste of my story, and of myself. It is why I will never be Mormon again. It is why I am happy living the life that I am, the way that I am, with the people I am. If you want to talk more about this, you're welcome to comment here, or message me.

I hope you at least start thinking, with some things in mind, of where I may be coming from. I've spent years where you are, and the last two, especially, trying to understand where you are coming from... I don't ask for you to give me 21 years of your life thinking about this, but some common decency, like thinking in depth about where I may be coming from, may be nice before you write me with a judgment on my life. I don't know how many of you would want me writing and making judgments on your lives... I think it's fair to ask that you please extend me the same courtesy. Thank you.

I've had a lot of thoughts lately... they cover a wide range of subjects, so this blog post may be more of a ramble than a set list of ideas and thoughts.

I've gone through a lot of transitions in my life as of the past two years. I left the religion of my childhood. I came to terms with my attractions to women, and then came to terms with my manhood. I have been through much tribulation. Last year was one of the worst, and one of the best years of my life. I was in a relationship with a woman who I have loved more than anyone else, myself included. She brought spice and beauty to my life. My love for her continues to grow. The chance I had, a chance some people never get, to be with someone I truly love, was and is precious. She showed me the majesty of rotting houses, and the need the world has for people who will love it. She taught me to eat healthier, and not to crush bugs on the sidewalk. She showed me love, dedication, and acceptance. I had experienced love, but she made the word grow for me. It made me feel like I had never understood the word before, and that's only where it began.

I came out as a lesbian-- I didn't have the words yet to describe my masculinity-- and a month or so after, our relationship was outed to her family, and all hell broke loose. I will spare the reader the meat of the story, but will explain somewhat the effects of a wolf in sheep's clothing, or hate in love's clothing... Thus followed 3 complete mental break downs for her, a near-institutionalization for her-- which we should have taken... hindsight is 20/20, a near-suicide-attempt for me, several doctors appointments for me-- taking care of her was stressful to my emotional and physical self, but she is always worth it, and she honestly had no one else--, days and nights without sleep for the both of us and food for her, an emergency room visit for her, several calls to the local suicide hotline for her. In the meantime, her family was acting atrociously (the thing that pushed her to the edge in the first place), sending her to the brink and refusing to help, and insisting that I not be the one to help her. I have never seen something so ugly as someone who insists they love you while they literally drive you insane, drive you to death.

My love and I moved away at the end of the summer to continue school elsewhere, but the effects of the stress from the summer proved too much. I did better, once I was out of reach of her family, but, although she wasn't in as bad shape as before, she continued to feel great pain, guilt, and fear. The pain became too much, and we had to end our official relationship. She loved me, and I loved her, and we continue to care about each other in a way I never though possible, but she couldn't handle the elephant on her back anymore... and I do not blame her.

I've... matured. ...I hope, haha. I think I have.

Another thing that has happened to me has been an extreme surprise. My 14 year old self would be incredibly appalled.

I don't talk to my family about my feelings concerning the religion I was raised in, because I know they are at rest in "the Church", and more than anything, I want them to be happy and at rest. They have treated me with incredible respect-- respect I have not always deserved. They have treated me with extreme love. I am one of the lucky few, to not only still have a vague connection to the people who are blood related to me, but to have a loving relationship with them. We seek to understand each other, and build each other up, even if includes things we don't understand. And then we seek to understand.

But... as to my relationship with "the Church"...

Not only have I taken my name off the records of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the Mormon/LDS Church), but I have come across information that leads me to view the specific religion in an unfavorable light. It is about the abuse, the past and present oaths in the secret ceremonies in the temple, the purposeful cover-ups by Church leadership of Church history that continue today, the finances and manipulation within the finances, the history of ethnocentrism, xenophobia, racism, sexism, heterosexism, cysgenderism, it is about the manipulation within so-called "loving" teachings, the lies, and the "love"-cloaked hatred. I understand that these are severe accusations, and if anyone would like specifics, they are welcome to message me. Let it be understood: I am not discussing the people of "the Church" or the culture of Utah, although I believe it is highly influenced by "the Church". I am discussing specific doctrines, specific events in Church history, specific actions and words of leaders, specific beliefs and ideologies supported by high leadership and doctrines within "the Church". I am appalled at my contributions to such an organization as this.

...I have changed a lot. Many transitions.

I'm beginning another one. After 10 months of beginning to understand my masculinity, 8 months of incredible thought and effort and acceptance of my being a man in a female body. I have begun testosterone injections, and am excited for the day when my outer appearance will better match my inner self.

Transitions are a good, and somewhat tiring, thing. I'm okay with transition, ESPECIALLY if it's towards the better. The better is not always free of pain, of frustration, and stress. But the better is more ethical, which becomes a transition for the happier. Happiness is found deep inside of us. We may be stressed, sad, angry, frustrated, and still find a deep resounding happiness. I am so, very, very happy. But that does not mean I am not without confusion. It's a very good kind of confusion.

I think the theme of the post today is: transition. And that is all.

Two Lists of Teachings or Practices of the LDS Church that I Intend to Continue or Discontinue Incorporating Into My Life

Even though I no longer affiliate myself with the organization The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and I do not consider myself to be one of their members, there are traditions, practices, and teachings that I will continue to keep in my life, and will one day teach my children. Some of these are specific to the Church, like the Primary songs I'll be singing to my children, and some of them are not tied specifically to the Church, like the belief that one should ponder things out in our hearts or the belief that we must love one another. In my own way, even though I no longer consider myself Mormon, I'll always be a Mormon girl.

The following two lists, (the first being a list of traditions, aspects, or teachings I intend to keep, the second being a list of traditions, aspects, or teachings I no longer believe and will no longer be continuing to incorporate into my life, and intend to not incorporate into my family's life) are not meant to offend or hurt. This is for the sake of honest communication, as, over the course of the past 9 months, I have had many people ask me why I'm leaving, or why I no longer feel I can support the Church. Most of my answer has been to the reason of "I found in a higher way of thinking, that being gay was okay, and after that I realized I could no longer coincide with the Church", but it is somewhat more complicated than that--- which you found, if you questioned me further. If you're one of those people, this is your answer.

I understand that people on both sides of the spectrum will disagree with a couple things I have listed, and that's okay. This list is not meant definitively, nor is it meant in terms of being a list of the good or bad of Mormonism. Honestly, few may agree and that's okay because this list was my list, not your list, and I imagine that if you were to create a list, I would not agree with everything on that list either. We're two separate people, and that's how it's supposed to be. If you see yourself being very hurt or very angry, you have my permission to stop at anytime throughout the text.

You will notice that the list of things I will continue to incorporate into my life is longer than those I don't. However, most listed in the second list are more important to me, and most listed in the first list are not equivocally tied to the Church. I do not intend to join or attend any church that agrees with many of the things on the second list. It's nothing against the Mormon Church, as much as it is that my beliefs do not match up/line up with the teachings of the Mormon Church. I believe that God would best support me supporting a religion that I agree with, rather than staying with one that I don't upon the hope that I will receive exaltation.

I know some of you will not agree with me having posted this note, and if that's the case, for heaven's sake, keep it to yourselves. Nothing will profit you from telling me that you don't think I should have done something I already did. AND, if you don't think it should have been posted, you probably weren't the ones it was directed to, so don't worry about it: you don't have to read it.

On a side note, if there are any things you feel I have left out, because I know I must have, leave a comment at the bottom (I responded to things that have been on my mind, and mostly the list of gospel topics on lds.org), and I'll be sure to edit the note and address that point. If you are offended, angry, or hurt, please don't leave divisive or negative comments about it. I will delete your comment. This is a list of my beliefs, and I hope you can respect that it is as perfectly acceptable for me to be appropriately vocal about my lack of belief in those men being prophets, as it is for you to be vocal in your belief that they are indeed prophets. If you have a question, or want something clarified, I am willing to discuss, not to debate, over facebook message, or over email at krazykiddz@gmail.com. Remember, too, that there may come a time in that discussion that we will simply have to accept that we will not agree.

I'll tag some people in this note, not as a list of people who this was directed to, but rather as a list of who I would like to look over the list. I want some feedback, and I want to be reasonably challenged so I can verify once more what I believe, (i.e. Can I back it up?) since I believe the questioning of one's beliefs is a positive attribute.

Now, to continue with my list:




Beliefs and/or Practices I Will Continue to Incorporate Into My Life


* Their approach to abuse: encouraging forgiveness w/ the correct timing, while encouraging justice and healing w/o self-blame

* The belief (*T b) that everyone experiences grief and adversity, and that we all deal with it in our own time, in our own way

* T b that you can live out eternity with the one you are wholly committed to (difference of opinion, however, on how best to show that commitment, or how to join the club on who gets to live it out)

* T b that women should only get an abortion if they cannot emotionally or physically handle the pregnancy or birthing

* T b that each person has the ability to choose (free agency) (differences of opinion, however, on what the best choices are to choose)

* I'll be singing primary songs, like my mother sung to me, to my children. I will also continue to sing many of the hymns from the LDS hymnal.

* T b that it is severely important to learn how to love one another

* So far, I still definitely think that Joseph Smith was a prophet.

* T b that men will not be punished for Adam's transgression

* T b that there are certain universal laws that all men must live by (however, difference of opinion on what those laws are)

* T b that all men ought to have the right to practice religion as they wish, as long as it is not directly harmful to people or animals

* T b (in terms of doctrine, not necessarily that of all their actions) that it is right to be good to people, to be friendly, tolerant of others' beliefs, to be honest-- which is what I'm doing w/ these lists--, to be generous, to not hurt your fellow men, women, children, animals, or the world we live on.

* T b that birth control is between the two beings in question, and whatever they feel is right, however and wherever they may discover their answer from.

* T b that there is a higher and a lower afterlife. I believe that there are degrees of the afterlife that vary in terms of each person, and each family. I believe that families continue on into forever, but that a "family" is not necessarily meant in terms of "a group that is connected by marriage or blood", but rather "loved ones who support each other and hold each other up with a degree of commitment", but that those loved ones can and often are related to each other through marriage or blood.

* T b that a couple (homo & heterosexual, which is a difference of opinion) can obtain the ultimate commitment and should show that commitment in the best way they feel possible, and that adultery is unequivocally wrong. The utmost respect and commitment should be shown to those who you are thus bonded to.

* T b that people should only begin dating upon reaching a mature level. However, I think it is more of a personal matter, and whether that level is mostly or always reached at age 16, or not, I'm not sure.

* T b that we can see our loved ones after death.

* T b that there is most definitely evil in the world, but not necessarily that it is encouraged by one evil source (a.k.a. the devil)

* Except for things like receiving an education, avoid debt at all costs

* T b that under the correct circumstances, as they range from abuse to irreconcilable differences, divorce is appropriate as long as it is done in the right way

* T b that receiving an education, men and women, is of the utmost importance. For whatever/whoever you plan (or upon the incidence of an accident) to bring into this world, be sure you can support them.

* T b that there are things that we can do to strengthen our families.

* T b that it is important to be prepared, whether that be with a savings plan, or having food storage.

* T b that to forgive is a divine (or a higher) attribute

* T b that it is important to connect with our ancestors

* T b that gratitude is a divine (higher) attribute

* T b that true honesty, with one's self, with respectful honesty with those around you, is a higher attribute

* T b that a higher way of thinking would seek for us to find true happiness, which can be found inside of us upon making the right decisions. (however, difference of opinion on what those right decisions are. For instance, now that I've chosen to be true to myself as a gay woman, I'm much happier... but the Church would not consider that a choice that would make me ultimately happier-- I disagree)

* T b that humility is a higher attribute (however, there comes a time when we must stop apologizing and we must choose to be direct)

* T b that judgments must be guided with righteous intentions and guidelines (however, difference in opinion on who is supposed to judge, what they're allowed to do what those judgments, and what those guidelines are)

* T b that we all have access to obtain personal revelation through a higher way of thinking.

* T b that sacrifice can help us obtain a closer connection to that higher way of thinking.

* T b that the service of those we love, and those in our community, as well as those in other communities-- with similar or dissimilar beliefs to ours-- is necessary for the well-being of humanity and it is necessary for personal growth.

* I will continue, as I can, attending appropriate religious services, in hopes of coming closer, through greater introspection, to that higher thinking.

* We both (the Church and I) believe in peace, but will accept war when necessary.



Beliefs and/or Practices I Will Discontinue Incorporating Into My Life


* The belief that the priesthood (as in "the power of God, and the right to act in his name") was meant for men, and that they have a closer connection with God because of it-- I believe that this connection is equally accessible to both men and women and is something that is internally acquired, not acquired through an ordination

* T b that the leadership of the church is made up of prophets. I believe that they have as much of an access to Godly knowledge (a higher way of thinking) as any of us, but I believe that sometimes they have a closer connection due to the amount of time they spend focusing on the cultivation of that connection. Mostly, I believe they talk with God, but they do not speak for God. They are men who are subject to their own prejudices

* T b that consumption of a mild amount of alcohol or drugs is morally wrong

* There are several scriptural references that I, and much of the educated world, differ, due to some significant translational evidence, in opinion in terms of the Church's scriptural interpretations.

* T b that baptism by water is currently necessary to enter into their ideal afterlife. I believe it was once a symbolic fulfillment of what many call "conversion", but it is more accurately a specific change that occurs in us that qualifies us.

* T b that both the King James Version of the bible is an accurate translation (as we are constantly finding new discoveries that give us greater insight into the translation of words, and the belief that the Book of Mormon is unequivocally the Word of God. HOWEVER, in order for something to qualify as the word of God, in my belief, it need only follow what the Lord teaches, and because I find many similar teachings in what I find with God, and what I find in the Book of Mormon, my belief is that there is much to glean from reading the Book of Mormon.

* T b that the 10 tribes will converge in America

* T b that faith (as in the un or little questioned trust that those who claim to be prophets of God, speak for God) is a Godly attribute. I believe that God, or any higher being of high morality, would hope that we would not just pray and be faithful that the answer we feel we have gotten was right, but that we would study it, as Joseph Smith did. Jesus had his doubts, so he studied them for the answers, as he tried to keep his connection to the higher way of thinking, through what many would consider to be "prayer". Only through questioning and truly finding out for one's self, can one be truly at peace with their beliefs.

* Body piercing, the consumption of coffee & tea, swearing (done in the correct setting), acquiring tattoos, these are personal choices. Pretty sure God is still going to be okay with you if you've got a nose ring, as long as you've been good and kind and loving and accepting.

* I believe that fornication and adultery are two separate issues, as adultery deals with a heart wrenching dishonesty and the breaking of an utmost commitment. Polyamory is different than adultery, and very similar to polygamy. Polyamory is the belief-- held by both/all in the relationship-- that it is possible to love and to fulfill this utmost commitment with multiple people.

* T b that we must unequivocally follow all laws of the government. Sometimes riots, boycotts, necessary force is... necessary. Only sometimes, but... yeah. Mostly, I agree with shooting down a bad government, whether it be by the law or not. By the law first, then, if it's not working after a long amount of time, you take whatever means necessary.

* T b that homosexuality is more morally wrong than heterosexuality. I believe that anything wrong with homosexuality is wrong with heterosexuality (i.e. adultery)

* T b that marriage is the only right way to show a perfect commitment to who you share that ultimate commitment with.

* I absolutely cannot agree with the patriarchal order, as I believe it makes the woman second class in the relationship.

* T b that only in the LDS temple, and only through the ordinations accomplished there, can you be sealed with your family, and be with them for forever.

* T b that there is only one right way to live our lives, that there is only one path to "heaven"



* "T b" stands for "The belief..."

Off to the side, I've got a list of links, labeled "Interesting Info". I thought I'd give a little summary about what each of these links would send you to when clicked upon. (these are a list of links I find interesting enough to share with all y'all)

*aherm*...

BODIES: The Exhibition: No, this isn't a link to "Men in Trenchcoats". This link takes you to the site that talks about the science phenomenon, the museum exhibit explaining the bodies... with real bodies!

Delete Censorship: Delete Censorship has lists of the most challenged books in America. (books that people wanted out of their library, or school) Some of these, you'd be surprised. Check it out.

Equality Utah: This is the site for Utah that helps you easily involve yourself in local politics concerning gay legislation. Also, it explains some of the legislation that's seeking to be passed.

Ghetto Translator: Ghetto translator translates whatever web page you send it to into stereotypical ghetto slang. "Facescribblin` helps ya` connect and share wid da people in yo` life."

God Loveth His Children: This is a pdf file of the pamphlet from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that addresses their views on homosexuality (sans the political side of it-- you find that elsewhere) and the practice of homosexuality. They're much more liberal than you think ;)

Good Reads: This is an awesome site where you can easily share your reads and your writes.

Google Options: Cool google options, applications, etc.

Hounddog Rape Scene: Ever wonder what the rape scene from Hounddog with Dakota Fanning really included? Here's where you find out, so you can decide: Is this really a scandal?

Independent Women's Forum: A fairly fair feminist forum.

Male Lactation Info: Did you know that men, throughout the ages, have had to lactate at times? This link has some really interesting info on the subject.

McCain: This is a link to John McCain's blog.

Mee Mix: Similar to Pandora, this is an app that easily allows you to find songs similar to what you're in the mood for.

Meridian Magazine: A link to Meridian Magazine, which addresses the local Mormon demographic, often addressing state, local, and national legislation.

Obama: This is a link to Barack Obama's blog.

Orisinal: Morning Sunshine: A few fun games for when you're in need of momentary rest and relaxation. The variety offered on the site means you could spend anytime for a few minutes to a few hours here.

Overheard in the Ward: A funny set of things that people overheard from speakers or fellow listeners while in their LDS congregations.

Plot Whisperer: This is a helpful site for writers, with tips, critiques, and whatever you needs.

Queer Salt Lake: A link to QSalt Lake, a local newspaper that addresses the local homosexual demographic, often addressing state, local, and national legislation.

Rachel Maddow: One of my favorite liberal show hosts.

RAINN: The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network

RAINN Online Hotline: *RAINN's option for those seeking advice. This is for people who know people who've been raped, people who've been raped (recently or not), or just people with questions. *see previous entry

Rhyme Zone: An easy way to find antonyms, synonyms, definitions, and rhymes to whichever word you need.

Sex Offender Issues: Issues surrounding sex offenses, and sex offenders.

Sex Offender Studies: Studies concerning sex offenders

Soft Cup: A menstruation revolution! Tampons toxic-shocking you? Pads leaking? Need something new? Click on the link!

SparkNotes: An easy way to fake your book report or "read" and "analyze" a book, so you know what you're talking about when your date brings up Crime and Punishment.

Strengthening Your Marriage: This is a blog that gives tips and other links that aids in, aherm, strengthening your marriage.

Suite 101: An easy way to find an article on... anything.

Surf The Channel: A site that gives you the necessary links to access thousands of television shows and movies online. A cheap alternative to the weekly Cinemax

Survivor Booklet: This is a pdf of the Survivor Booklet by the Utah Coalition Against Sexual Abuse, for those who have been sexually abused. Very handy.

Symptom Checker: Plug your sick-symptoms into this app, and you have options of what you could be ailing with. Easy way to see if you need to go to the doctor or not.

Urban Dictionary: A list of slang and popular meanings and interpretations.

Write or Die: Dr. Wicked's Writing Lab: Easy explanation. You stop writing for long enough, you die.



So, those are my list of awesomely amazing links. If you're interested, just click on the link in the blog post. If you have any you'd like to inform ME of, please, leave a comment, and inform :)

The following is a list of dreams I have had, do have, or hope to have:

* Move out of Utah
* Chase a dream
* Love completely
* Find complete love
* Follow what I believe in my heart I ought to do
* Always have a cat
* Raise a newborn puppy and kitten so they grow up friends
* Live somewhere with a friend
* Take a big risk!
* Keep one close friend for 10 years
* Learn how to skateboard
* Learn how to fix my own car in case it breaks down on the side of the highway... or at least just know what's wrong with it.
* Publish a book
* Write a book
* Get up the courage to write a book
* Never go back to bad-habiting.
* Learn how to play the accompaniment to "Let There Be Light"
* Clean my room, and keep it clean for a month
* Impact someone's life so they'll never forget me
* Hug a random stranger
* Learn how to make out-of-this-world huevos rancheros
* Watch the sun set over the ocean
* Watch the moon set over the ocean
* Watch the sun rise over the ocean
* Watch the moon rise over the ocean
* Camp up in the mountains
* Go skinny dipping
* Always call my dad Dippy
* Kill Ann Coulter... or at least convince everyone of how stupid she is
* Run for some government position, local, state, federal, or otherwise... wait, is there otherwise?
* Learn to play the violin
* Graduate
* Um, to graduate, I've got to go back to school FIRST
* Remember to visit Animalia
* Live in a house that is surrounded by trees, and has a HUGE front yard
* Go on a date with Tysic
* Recite the "Barefoot in the Park" rendition with Bobby at least one more time
* Get up the guts to go visit Mr. McKell
* Be true to myself
* Have a couple kids someday
* Get married someday
* Maintain a best friend throughout my marriage
* Never forget my friend, for a boy
* Stay out of debt after this
* Always feel free to make new friends and meet new people

...and the list goes on, and on, and on... what are some of your dreams???

I love having friends like Kellie, Matt, Bethany, Caulene and Ceci. :) Y'know what? I love them. And nothing you tell me will change that. I love each and last one of them. :) And nothing you say will change that. This makes you uncomfortable? That happens to be your problem, and NOT mine. Have fun with that.

I knew it was a LONG time since I'd posted, but I didn't realize it'd been this long! After i got a nasty response to one of my posts, I had a hard time knowing how to respond-- in terms of "do i keep posting?" But all is well, I think, now, and at the moment, I've been working (as a custodian, but it's a greeaat job, so i don't care that it's custodial work again), and had a rather stressful holiday season, but it's okay now. And the past couple days I've been messing around with youtube and vids that I have. :) So, to start off a slew of enjoyment, here's a video of my family at Trümmelbach Fällen near Lauterbrunnen.

The following is an excerpt from The Little Prince, written by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. Basic backstory: the little prince has traveled to earth, and is in search of a friend, and in search of man. As I read this excerpt, I thought of the many ways I feel like the prince, and the many ways I feel like the fox.

It was then that the fox appeared.
"Good morning," said the fox.
"Good morning," the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing.
"I am right here," the voice said, "under the apple tree."
"Who are you? asked the little prince, and added, "You are very pretty to look at."
"I am a fox," the fox said.
"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince. "I am so unhappy."
"I cannot play with you," the fox said. "I am not tamed."
"Ah! Please excuse me," said the little prince.
But after some thought, he added :
"What does that mean-- 'tame'?"
"You do not live here," said the fox. "What is it you are looking for?"
"I am looking for men," said the little prince. "What does that mean-- 'tame'?"
"Men," said the fox. "They have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?"
"No," said the little prince. "I am looking for friends. What does that mean-- 'tame'?"
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."
"'To establish ties'?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world..."
"I am beginning to understand," said the little prince. "There is a flower... I think that she has tamed me..."
"It is possible," said the fox. "On the Earth one sees all sorts of things."
"Oh, but this is not on the Earth!" said the little prince.
The fox seemed perplexed and very curious.
"On another planet?"
"Yes."
"Are there hunters on that planet?"
"No."
"Ah, that is interesting! Are there chickens?"
"No."
"Nothing is perfect," sighed the fox.
But he came back to his idea.
"My life is very monotonous," he said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back to the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat..."
The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.
"Please-- tame me!" he said.
"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."
"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me..."
"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.
"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me-- like that-- in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day.
The next day the little prince came back.
"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you came a four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you... One must observe the proper rites..."
"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.
"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and i should never have any vacation at all."
So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of departure drew near--
"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."
"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you..."
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"Then it has done you no good at all!"
"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added:
"Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now why yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make a present of a secret."
The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.
"You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first new him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world."
And the roses were very much embarrassed.
"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passer-by would think that my rose looked just like you-- the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose."
And he went back to meet the fox.
"Goodbye," he said.
"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.
"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."
"It is the time I have wasted for my rose--" said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.
"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must never forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose..."
"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

I have this thing about not being in control. So, I've never really considered myself to be a control freak, but I guess when it comes to my life, I tend to need that sense of being in charge. (I'm supposed to call it "being in charge", rather than "being in control") So, after a month of things spiraling out of control, I could feel myself beginning to break. But I held on as long as I could, being as productive as possible. I did everything I could think of to keep my head above the rapids. As I got further, and further along down the road, however, the methods I'd used often (and had helped, just as often) began to help less and less, until they weren't helpful at all. Singing to Regina Spektor, spending some time watching a fun show on television, taking a walk, taking midnight runs, they just aren't helping as much as they used to. I still do them all, but they continue to not help. Yay. So, I've been discovering, well, trying to, at least, different ways to deal with the depression, fear, and anxiety.

Even so, I could continue to feel my functionality breaking, more and more. I have been continually continuing in the work, personally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and publicly. But it's hard when you're literally drowning in grief and fear (so much so, that you can't sleep) until 3 or 4 in the morning, and then dead until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. I know I need a better sleep schedule, but it's so scary at night, that I need a friend. Fortunately I have an amazing support system. I don't feel so alone, anymore. But that doesn't make all the pain go away. It just makes the pain... different. Guess what? I can barely function now. My room's a mess. I've got to find a job, pronto. My life's a mess. I don't have a brain that will pay attention enough to the things it needs to. I have to be über careful about what I do, that might amp up my depression, guilt, or anxiety. I'm really quiet about it, though, this time.

Last year was hell. After the freak out with Devin (sigh, loooong story), Andrew (sexual harassment at work, boss took his side, said I was "picking on him" by filing the complaint, and that I was overreacting, and... well... that's a long story too, exasperated sigh), and losing Bishop Thomas in a sudden car accident, I spiraled out of control in the extreme. I had been fairly happy, and then, literally, two days later, I could barely function from the guilt, grief, depression, fear, and anger. I had to drop out of school, and almost went to an institution because of how bad it had gotten. I was struggling to stay alive, literally. That's not how it is now. I mean, it's hard to want to live, much less like living, when your life's so saturated with pain as mine has been the past couple weeks, but don't worry about me killing myself! Not gonna happen. Anyway, what I was gonna say was that when last year occurred, I was so frightened by how depressed I was, that I basically told everyone everything. It's not been like that this year. I mean, seriously, it's pretty embarrassing. Last year I had my freak out session, so I'm not entitled to any more, right???

People try to understand. Friends try to help. But sometimes... they're not as big of a help as they try to be. :) Sad day, right? Sometimes we forget how debilitating depression or anxiety problems can be. LITERALLY, they can be as debilitating as cancer, diabetes, or a heart attack. Seriously. They are an illness, not a state of mind. I've been fervently trying to remind myself of that, as my functionality has been breaking, trying not to blame myself for things I can't quite control right now. Sure, I can do what I can to live as healthily (emotionally, physically, etc) as I can, so I don't get a reinstitution of depression or cancer, but y'wouldn't blame a person if they got another wave of cancer, would you? So... work on not blaming someone with depression, who is doing whatever they can. I mean, if somebody's got cancer, and they're blaming the cancer for everything, but they're not doing anything about it... well, they can't be blamed for having the cancer, but they sure as hell oughta do something about it. So... the fact that I have depression? Not my fault. The fact that I am continuing to have severe bouts of depression, concerning the past couple weeks? Actually, I don't think that's my fault either, since I sincerely am doing everything I can to get of this. Do you think I like being here? I am hoping. I am living. I am trying.

And that's about all I can do right now-- try to survive.

So, yeah, I guess this blog would count as being a little more open about the problems I've been having. I'm actually not entirely sure what the objective of this blog was... maybe to help people understand? I'm not really sure. Cause if you haven't had anxiety, or depression, I'm sorry, but you can't understand. It's something totally different than anything I've dealt with before. Anyway... yeah. :) Some things I have learned from having depression:

* Things always get better
* It is totally worth it, to keep trying as hard as you can
* Stay with the Lord. He loves you!

The deeper the pan the better.
Ahhhhh...
Never tried this before, but one spoonful's just not enough
I didn't think I'd like this stuff, but, wow...
Comfort food :)
Like none I've ever tried before.

But, ugh, I've eaten too much
And now my stomach hurts.
I wanna throw up.


Two thoughts:

I know when I don't feel nauseous anymore from eating the flan, I'll just want more flan

But mostly:

Was it really worth it?

1) When I grate cheese blocks, I grate off the edges until the cheese is in the shape of a sphere.

2) I have never dyed my hair

3) I have drag raced

4) I've dumpster dove... dived?

5) I always wanted to be able to read tarot cards.

6) It has been my dream to find a public bathroom with no stalls, just toilets.

7) I HATE to conjugate the verb "drink".

8) One of my favorite things to do is clean toilets

9) When people would call my home asking for my mom and dad, I would hold the receiver to my chest, if the particular parent was standing next to me, and pretend I was "going and getting them". I would wait a few seconds before giving the receiver to the person in question

Why is it that I'm encouraged to look more feminine by growing out my hair, but ... well... when are men encouraged to look more masculine by growing a beard? In other words. Leave me alone. I am happy with who I am, where I am, and what I look like. Are you so intimidated by that, you have to tear it down? Guess what? I like having short hair. I don't need to have make up on to be happy with what I look like. I don't like wearing skirts, but I *love* to wear ties, even ties with vests. :D Got a problem with that? Tell it to someone who cares.

So, I figured out today that I could text my cell pics to Dad's work BlackBerry, where he could email them to the computer. Ahha! moment (aherm, Kohlberg). ;) heehee. So, yeeeh, There's a lot of fun pictures in here, and you should totally flip through them!

I find a woman's face weathered from numerous storms in life to be beautiful. No matter what her age, just like the beauty of grains on wood that deepens with passage of time, beauty that has endured hardships shines with a distinctive splendor.

When one sees a woman for what she really is, free of decoration or cosmetics, I believe her life in all its naturalness, and her true, indestructible beauty emerges. But what is this elusive quality called beauty?

In ancient Chinese literature the so-called beautiful woman looks thin and fragile. Her feet are tiny, because they have been bound, and she looks frail, almost sickly. That seems to have been the preference at a certain time. But later, in the T'ang dynasty, an ideal woman was someone voluptuous and healthy-looking. Even today, many cultures consider plump women to be beautiful and young women are strongly encouraged to eat well. This may sound incredible to women who live in societies where tall and thin models set the trend for what is considered beautiful.

In my country, Japan, too, the definition of beauty seems to vary according to the times. Beautiful women who were portrayed in wood-block prints during the Edo period had long faces, thin eyes and large, protruding chins. But, after the Second World War, women who were quite buxom were suddenly considered attractive. This makes me question how there can be such different standards in society concerning women's beauty.

Women tend to find themselves caught in a trap that makes them eager to fit themselves in the mold of "the beautiful woman"—a standard set by the social trends of the time.

The purpose of this endless pursuit, and who it is for, are often forgotten. Perhaps, in the end, the pursuit of beauty is actually for yourself, so that you can feel good when you look at yourself in the mirror. If the purpose of beauty is to be attractive to others, then, I would honestly recommend that this time and energy be spent on polishing and cultivating your inner self; your character, as I think that would be much more effective in serving your purpose.

Whether it be your boyfriend, husband, or friends...why are they attracted to you? I am sure it's not only because of your looks but because of who you are, what they find in you, the beauty of your mind and your personality. No matter how pretty a woman is, if her attraction is only in her physical looks, I don't think the appeal will last, but rather fade away with time. True, lasting attraction to another human being comes from an inner beauty and confidence that shine from within.

I once heard a story from a woman who had gone to her twentieth high school reunion. She made an astonishing discovery. Most of the women who had been beauties in their youth looked rather dull, while many of those who had been plain now shone with an inner beauty. As she talked to these friends from many years back, she realized that some of those who had been beautiful had not had to make much effort to attract attention, and this rather self-satisfied attitude had stayed with them through the years, while the more plain-looking women had clearly been working to develop themselves and had become truly attractive as human beings.

For me a woman's true beauty lies not in her appearance, but deep within her heart. A woman who makes all-out efforts and who exerts herself wholeheartedly in her field is beautiful; she really shines. She looks sharp and focused and full of confidence. This kind of radiance will always outshine for me any external beauty related to what a woman is wearing. In fact those who are aware of their inner beauty don't need to seek borrowed beauty from outside. And, sadly, those who care only for their physical appearance are often spiritually impoverished and trying to conceal that lack with exterior trappings.

We all long for things of beauty-beauty of nature, of appearance, of life, a beautiful family and so on. But these cannot be gained if we are withdrawn and isolated, just looking at ourselves. We must create better relationships with other people and interact with our community and society with an open heart. We must be kind to nature. It is only through this process that we really grow and cultivate our own beauty.

A woman who can praise, appreciate and wholeheartedly respect those around her is more beautiful than another who is constantly criticizing others. In the same way, someone who can find joy and excitement of her own in her daily life, or even in nature and the changes of the seasons, has the warmth and brightness that can give a sense of peace and comfort to others. Being an expert in discovering beauty makes one beautiful.

The famous sculptor Rodin once said that beauty is not found in one woman but in every woman. And he identified the source that lights up this beauty as the "flame in one's inner life." The flame of a pure heart, the flame of compassion, the flame of hope, and the flame of courage. These flames are the source of light which enable women to shine with beauty.

It is said that "A woman's beauty shines with age." I find so much wisdom in these words. People normally connect beauty and youth, and cannot link the word "beautiful woman" with "older woman." A young woman in her teens is indeed beautiful, but there is a different kind of beauty that is found in women in their 30s, 50s, even 70s. When we seek beauty inside a person, we will realize that a truly beautiful woman is a person whose inner beauty continues to deepen and be cultivated with time.

Buddhism teaches that your physical appearance is a reflection of your inner self. Hence, a truly beautiful woman knows who she is and what her strengths are and is happy and confident to be true to herself.

Today we live in an age where commercialism determines what is "beautiful," but please remember that you cannot find true beauty in these fashionable trends. Beauty cannot be bought with money either. Many insecure young women tend to become confused by such messages sent out by the mass producers of today's society, but I feel that appreciating and realizing your own beauty means establishing a secure and robust inner self that will not be swayed by outer circumstances.

Every woman can be beautiful. It all begins by believing in your own beauty.

Above is the short essay "On Woman's Beauty" by Daisaku Ikeda. Just off the top of my head, some women in my life I find beautiful:

Bethany Maddox, my sister, who is generous, funny, and devoted to the Lord;
Kellie Henderson, my sister, who is good-hearted, a Friend, empathetic, and aware;
Peggy Steele, my mom, who is hard working, dedicated, and smart, and who comforted me when I was sad and young by singing "Heavenly Father Loves Me";
Caitlin Stay, my sister, who strives to see the best in everyone, and who is creative, and can laugh at herself;
Afton Steele, my sister, who is so loving, she's practically saturated in it, who is patient, and forgiving;
Sara Steele, my sister, who is humorous, observant, and gentle;
Kaylene Steele, my sister, who is a mother, and who is willing to live the life she finds most meaningful, even if it doesn't follow what the people around her believe to be the "right way to go about life";
Valene Fugal, my friend, who is patient, intelligent, and intrigued;
Grace Thomas, my cousin, but practically both a friend and sister, who is amiable, responsible, and caring;
Betty Powell, my friend, who is tender, emotive, and empathetic;
Amber Dean, my sister, who is compassionate, strong, and accepting;
Julie Garner, my sister, who is resilient, religious, and sensible


Name a woman or two that you've observed in your life who strikes you as beautiful, and a reason or two why you feel that way.

On my way home from playing with a friend tonight, some song lyrics came to mind. "Someone told you forever, but forever it would not be." I thought maybe it was a Tim McGraw song I barely remembered hearing in 7th grade. I came home and looked up those lyrics on google, hoping to find the full song to play it on youtube. I searched google, checked on cmt.com, asked my brother-- Country Music Extroardinaire-- and checked again on google, with all kinds of variations.

I gave up and went to play on Facebook. Shortly into my game, I came to the realization-- and, yes, this is a little pathetic-- I had MY song stuck in my head. I had heard the song I was looking for, and, in an effort to create something similar, wrote the song "Scars." It's been so long (7 years) since I wrote it, that I'd pretty much forgotten about it. It's funny because, when I'd written it originally, I'd purposefully written the three verses to be three situations which I had no emotional relation to. And, though I'm not getting a divorce, which was the original premise of the first verse, my experience this week still matches it. Isn't it funny?

So, this is the song, "Scars". I'd sing it, but... that's obviously impossible.

Scars

Someone told you forever,
But forever it would not be.
They turned their back on you,
And said forever they could not see.

Scars, scars, scars,
Each and everyone has their scars.
They may hurt, but they will help;
If only we saw their part.

Mom had to have those cigarettes
Don't have any idea why.
Cancer seemed her one weakness.
Why did she have to die?

First day of tenth grade.
No one wanted to be his friend.
Was it that he had to change?
Did he really have to bend?

Scars can heal and help us
If we really work it out.
Don't blame it on the others.
Don't sit down and pout.

Scars, scars, scars.
Each and everyone has their scars.
They may hurt, but they will help.
We've just gotta see their part.



So, that's basically one of several songs I wrote in the beginning of junior high. Yes, I'm a genius. Lol, jk. Um, so I was engaged, and I'm not engaged anymore. That's why I was thinking of this.

The title of this post comes from the song "Ocean Avenue" by Yellowcard. Awesome song. Sooooo... I have a lot to update, and know I've been thinking about you cause I have been thinking about what I want to write about. I do that too much. haha. For one, I have a boyfriend. Chris Robinson.




He is 5' 10", brown eyes, brown hair, cute, sensitive, amazing. He has initiative and goals, and is quite athletic. And he likes me. A lot. And I like him. A lot.





My cat doesn't think much of him, but she doesn't think much of anyone. Cocky little cantaloupe. He is 19 and going to becoming a mechanic in small engines, hydraulics, diesel and auto. He currently works ground maintenance at the Riverside Country Club in Provo.






Let's see, what else. He's an amazing hand-holder, and very poetic-- though he doesn't try. Of my 3 brothers and sister-- not counting ex-sister in laws/brother in law's wives-- only Dallin, my younger brother has met him. My parents really like him, though Mom isn't too keen that he/we watched "The Ring".





He has played baseball, tee ball, football, golf, and another handful of sports. He has re-introduced me to golf, which I find absolutely enthralling! Chris's brother, Cameron, is marrying one of my best friends, Caitlin Stay.

Life's overally pretty goody. :)

Today was a ton of fun. Random fun, which can tend to be the best kind of fun. I drew a goatee and mustache on myself for fun today with eyeliner and eyebrow liner. :D I looked a lot like my brother, Kevin. After I drew it, I recorded myself doing a few things. I finally came up with something solid I wanted to do with my spurt of spontaneity, and so I made a video. Dad helped me upload it onto youtube tonight, so check this one out!!!

Btw, it's a bit fuzzy and metallic sounding. sorry. Nothin' I can do bout it.


Join me as I take a trip through the land of ... MASCULINITY!!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dz0j5rwVEgQ

Within a minute after Gary had fallen, he knew he wouldn't survive. He could feel the shard of shrapnel cut into his bones as he breathed. Private Gary Barone had only come into this war a couple years ago. After the terrorist attacks in New York, he had found a new determination to join this war on terror. Leaving a pregnant wife and twenty acres of inheritance, Gary joined the army. Iraq was nothing like his Kansas prairie. The soldiers were either breathing in the dense foliage, or aching for the breath of it. The cursing and defaming of their terrorist enemies was a constant in the barracks.

The shooting had come from nowhere. Or everywhere. The shard, though, had come from a definite right, slicing a deeply into Gary's chest. Not being a medic, he couldn't say exactly what organ it'd hit, but he did know he had a lot of blood coming out of him. He lay there, bleeding to death, reenacting each picture he held of his wife, as the colonel in charge hurried the troop along, out of danger. Gun shots rang through his head as his labored breathing beat through his ears. He vaguely heard the colonel insisting to a fellow soldier that they had to leave him. They had to get out of there. And that fellow soldier, that fellow soldier was Robby.

Wasn't it just this morning-- which would have been only a few hours ago-- that he'd been speaking with Robby? Something about what they'd do today. About...

Gary passed out.

He woke up soon after to the second troop moving through. He remembered now. They were moving closer to Baghdad. Something about closing in on the capital. The soldiers that passed barely gave a second glance. He wasn't the first dying soldier they'd seen. His ears caught one private turn to another on his left and whisper, "He's not making it back." A photo of his wife was held between Gary's shaking finger tips. He grappled for the second photo of Danny, his eighteen month old little boy. He held it to his lips and passed out for a second time as the second troop stepped over his body.

"Wake up. Wake up." A hand gripped his face, shaking it a little. "I can help you." As Gary began to wake up, he could hear the Arabian accent in the words. "Wake up. I can help." He opened his eyes and blinked before looking at his rescuer. The man's stubbled face focused on a strange tool he had, that was sewing up the cut in Gary's chest. After tying a knot, he took a glance around, in order to secure their safety. He then looked directly into the core of Gary's eyes, and said again, "Let me help." Gary swallowed and nodded painfully.

He woke up once more to Robby's voice.

"What the--! Colonel! Private Barone's body's here." He helped Gary up, and moved him over to the running colonel. "Don't worry, Gary, we're here. We've gotcha." He turned to the Colonel, as he said, "You're lucky they didn't get you."

So, I am really in the mood to talk, so talk I will. For one, I just want to say, do you know what Sherman's March is? Or do you know who Colonel Robert Shaw is? If not, look them up. I don't want to spend my time right now explaining the two of them, but they will change your life and outlook on war. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... I have an idea starting, and, because of that, I'm done here.... I'll hear from you soon...


But, seriously, look them up.

Wow! I feel like I haven't posted on here for a month! So, my latest hype has been an application on Facebook called "Pieces of Flair". People put pictures on "pins" and post it, and then we go around collecting them. Some are funny. Some are cute. Some are political or serious. They have them for causes, for beliefs, for politics. They have animal and art pins. But all in all, they're pretty much the bomb. I was looking at a lot of ones on President Bush today, and Stalin, but Stalin's irrelevant with what I wanna talk about next. (No, I'm not really in the mood to go into politics today; I'm just gonna talk about some of the "pieces of flair") Most of the ones I got were anti-Bush. (Like a rock, only dumber) and some were more in reference to ME (I was anti-Bush before it was cool) -- Speaking of which, my parents can vouch for that. Lol. Some of the pins have signs people wrote. (Bush hijacked our grief and flew it into Iraq; No one died when Clinton lied)

I was also looking into ones about religion. My favorite was a church sign. (God doesn't believe in atheists. Therefore, atheists do not exist.) I have a couple funny ones. (Don't make me come down there- God) and another good one that's serious. (Sometimes God calms the storm; Sometimes He lets the storm rage, and calms His child) I've even got one that says "Islam is not the enemy".

I'm really into activistity (yes i know that is not a word) and causes and beliefs and whatnot. One that made me laugh says "I don't mind straight people as long as they act gay in public." Another that made me laugh-- though not to do anything with a cause-- said "If you're OCD and know it, wash your hands." I've got a couple psychology pins, including one that has Freud saying, "Yo Mama." I have serious and funny ones about eating disorders (a fat man with a t-shirt that says "i beat anorexia"), as well as things like racism (No child is born racist), gay rights (But, Mommy, wouldn't gay marriages be happy marriages?) military (Join the army, travel to exotic, distant lands, meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them), motherhood (every mother is a working mother), and death (death: the #1 killer in america).

I have some that abruptly say "Stop this" or "Stop that". Such as "Stop Israeli Apartheid of Palestinians" or "Stop Rape". Some of my favorites are ones about America. (Be nice to America or they will bring DEMOCRACY into your country; Iraq is Arabic for Vietnam) I have a lot of really random ones: (Jesus: really sick of being misquoted; Make grilled cheese sandwiches,not war)

Hahahaha, some of the funnier ones that I have: (Adjka voola... I bet you just tried to pronounce that) or (HAHA wait. what?) or (Fat kids are harder to kidnap)

.... Wow, I have a ton of these; I've really been trying to narrow down the ones I've been sharing too, seeing as how I've already gone through 151 of these.

Just hang on with me.

How about this one? "I'd like to offer moral support, but I have questionable morals." Or, if you've read the Twilight series: "Dear Jacob, I WIN! Sincerely, Edward" I spent a while putting down ones for books, mostly Harry Potter and the Twilight series since they had they most of those, and there were several clever ones. Such as "Accio Love" or "Sirius Black: Escaped Azkaban, Evaded Dementors, Outwitted Ministry... Killed by drapery." Or some, as I'm a writer, from the writer's view: "Careful, you may end up in my next novel." or my favorite: "Please do not annoy the writer. She may put you in a book and kill you."

I really enjoy clever sayings: "I can't brain today. I have the dumb." or "Don't hit kids. No, seriously. They have guns now." or "What do you say when an atheist sneezes?" or "Why do we kill people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?" and again with the politics, "After we rebuild Iraq, can we rebuild our schools?" or "How come we choose from 2 people for President, but 50 for Miss America?"

Okay, I'm on the last 15!!! For instance, we have an orange looking at a glass of orange juice asking "mom?" or a stick figure looking at a sign that says "bad" on it, saying "Well, that's not a good sign."

Just having fun. Yeah, that's kinda it.