Optical Allusionist

I've had a lot of thoughts lately... they cover a wide range of subjects, so this blog post may be more of a ramble than a set list of ideas and thoughts.

I've gone through a lot of transitions in my life as of the past two years. I left the religion of my childhood. I came to terms with my attractions to women, and then came to terms with my manhood. I have been through much tribulation. Last year was one of the worst, and one of the best years of my life. I was in a relationship with a woman who I have loved more than anyone else, myself included. She brought spice and beauty to my life. My love for her continues to grow. The chance I had, a chance some people never get, to be with someone I truly love, was and is precious. She showed me the majesty of rotting houses, and the need the world has for people who will love it. She taught me to eat healthier, and not to crush bugs on the sidewalk. She showed me love, dedication, and acceptance. I had experienced love, but she made the word grow for me. It made me feel like I had never understood the word before, and that's only where it began.

I came out as a lesbian-- I didn't have the words yet to describe my masculinity-- and a month or so after, our relationship was outed to her family, and all hell broke loose. I will spare the reader the meat of the story, but will explain somewhat the effects of a wolf in sheep's clothing, or hate in love's clothing... Thus followed 3 complete mental break downs for her, a near-institutionalization for her-- which we should have taken... hindsight is 20/20, a near-suicide-attempt for me, several doctors appointments for me-- taking care of her was stressful to my emotional and physical self, but she is always worth it, and she honestly had no one else--, days and nights without sleep for the both of us and food for her, an emergency room visit for her, several calls to the local suicide hotline for her. In the meantime, her family was acting atrociously (the thing that pushed her to the edge in the first place), sending her to the brink and refusing to help, and insisting that I not be the one to help her. I have never seen something so ugly as someone who insists they love you while they literally drive you insane, drive you to death.

My love and I moved away at the end of the summer to continue school elsewhere, but the effects of the stress from the summer proved too much. I did better, once I was out of reach of her family, but, although she wasn't in as bad shape as before, she continued to feel great pain, guilt, and fear. The pain became too much, and we had to end our official relationship. She loved me, and I loved her, and we continue to care about each other in a way I never though possible, but she couldn't handle the elephant on her back anymore... and I do not blame her.

I've... matured. ...I hope, haha. I think I have.

Another thing that has happened to me has been an extreme surprise. My 14 year old self would be incredibly appalled.

I don't talk to my family about my feelings concerning the religion I was raised in, because I know they are at rest in "the Church", and more than anything, I want them to be happy and at rest. They have treated me with incredible respect-- respect I have not always deserved. They have treated me with extreme love. I am one of the lucky few, to not only still have a vague connection to the people who are blood related to me, but to have a loving relationship with them. We seek to understand each other, and build each other up, even if includes things we don't understand. And then we seek to understand.

But... as to my relationship with "the Church"...

Not only have I taken my name off the records of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the Mormon/LDS Church), but I have come across information that leads me to view the specific religion in an unfavorable light. It is about the abuse, the past and present oaths in the secret ceremonies in the temple, the purposeful cover-ups by Church leadership of Church history that continue today, the finances and manipulation within the finances, the history of ethnocentrism, xenophobia, racism, sexism, heterosexism, cysgenderism, it is about the manipulation within so-called "loving" teachings, the lies, and the "love"-cloaked hatred. I understand that these are severe accusations, and if anyone would like specifics, they are welcome to message me. Let it be understood: I am not discussing the people of "the Church" or the culture of Utah, although I believe it is highly influenced by "the Church". I am discussing specific doctrines, specific events in Church history, specific actions and words of leaders, specific beliefs and ideologies supported by high leadership and doctrines within "the Church". I am appalled at my contributions to such an organization as this.

...I have changed a lot. Many transitions.

I'm beginning another one. After 10 months of beginning to understand my masculinity, 8 months of incredible thought and effort and acceptance of my being a man in a female body. I have begun testosterone injections, and am excited for the day when my outer appearance will better match my inner self.

Transitions are a good, and somewhat tiring, thing. I'm okay with transition, ESPECIALLY if it's towards the better. The better is not always free of pain, of frustration, and stress. But the better is more ethical, which becomes a transition for the happier. Happiness is found deep inside of us. We may be stressed, sad, angry, frustrated, and still find a deep resounding happiness. I am so, very, very happy. But that does not mean I am not without confusion. It's a very good kind of confusion.

I think the theme of the post today is: transition. And that is all.

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Rape in the Media
Have you ever gone to youtube and looked up rape or sexual abuse? There are many worthwhile attempts, but very few well made ones. I thought this http://youtube.com/watch?v=PgHxzOfycJY link was an example of AMAZING MOVIE, but discretion advised. The end is stupid.

I'd pretty much recommend stopping after she leaves her friends house (after she came back in the black leather jacket)

Another movie I would FURTHER reccomend http://youtube.com/watch?v=L6Rie2m_fKY, "The Date Rape Backlash: Media's Denial of Date Rape"!

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In Dr. Mary Pipher's book Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, she speaks on the deterioration of society and how it effects young teenage girls. Impossible expectations are set on the shoulders of young women. They are bombarded with conflicting messages concerning sexuality, femininity and adulthood. Mary Pipher, as a clinical psychologist, has had the opportunity to work in therapy with a number of girls, and thus had the chance to observe the culture of America, and what pressures it has set on this generation. I plan to focus on one of the sub points of the book: abuse. Dr. Pipher writes mostly on two areas of abuse: cultural abuse, and sexual abuse. Although she speaks on sexual harassment, in this paper I will be addressing the two abuses mentioned.
Cultural abuse, a term coined by Carol Bly, encompasses “those elements in the culture that block growth and development.” ( pg. 293) Dr. Pipher tells us how America wishes to make young women what it wants them to be: quiet, kind, and feminine. One of her clients put it perfectly when she said “I'm a perfectly good carrot that everyone is trying to change into a rose. As a carrot, I have good color and a nice leafy top. When I'm carved into a rose, I turn brown and wither.” (22) Our culture wants to change us into something we're not, thus destroying the best part of ourselves.
Some of our greatest heroines are at the age just before they're to reach puberty. Heidi, Anne of Green Gables and Pippi Longstockings, all had wonderful adventures, and great personal achievements. (18) As soon as most girls reach puberty, though, they've been thrown into a hurricane. The only way to defend against the hurricane is to lose a sense of Self, and give in to society's expectations. The rules become: “be attractive, be a lady, be unselfish and of service, make relationships work and be competent without complaint.” (39) One client observed, “If I'm having a bad day, teachers and kids tell me to smile. I've never heard them say that to a guy.” (39) And while young boys may have gender-oriented phrases pushed their way once in a while, her point is made.
In Psychologist I. K. Broverman's study male and female participants were asked to check off adjectives that characterized “healthy men”, “healthy women”, and “healthy adults”. While healthy women were “described as passive, dependent, and illogical”, “healthy adults were active, independent and loyal.” By those standards, it seems “impossible to score as both a healthy adult and a healthy woman.” Society asks that we be a healthy adult woman, as they set up road blocks so we can never get there. (39)
The negative effects of media can be a wrecking-ball of confusion, when it comes to building a girl's sense of identity. It's views on sexuality, and occasionally violence, construe young girls' hormones right when they're on the edge of instability. After careful attention, a client of Dr. Pipher's noticed that “some sex scenes have scary music and some violent scenes have sexy music so that sex and violence are all mixed up.” (42) The media sells an idealized version of what a young lady should be, leaving actual young women feeling a sense of inadequacy.
The media spurs ideologies which society absorbs and then sponges into the minds of those present. The sexual harassment in the schools is an example of that. The culture those boys and girls have grown up with, (in)directly encourages these actions. Cultural abuse is seen greatly in the way adolescent women are made out to be sexual objects. Ladies are encouraged to be “sexy, but not sexual.” (240) Girls hear mixed messages as they hear that “sex is... both a sacred act between two people united by God, and the best way to sell sun tan lotion.” (71) They “receive two kinds of sex education...: one in the classroom and the other in the halls.” (206) In the schools, losing your virginity has become a “rite of passage into maturity”, even though “by high school, some girls may be mature enough to be sexually active, but [Dr. Pipher's] experience is that the more mature and healthy girls avoid sex.” (207, 208), Most girls at this age “tend to have love, sex and popularity all mixed up.” (208) It's difficult to know what you're ready for, when the world screams that you're ready. Even the National Children's Study has admitted, “Media exposure regarding sexuality- but not necessarily sexual behavior- may affect subgroup behavior.”
The media has become increasingly violent. Gore is common. Death is insignificant. Throwing a few punches is a fact of life. In the book The Shelter of Each Other: Rebuilding Our Families, Dr. Pipher writes more on violence. She points out that “children, including toddlers, are exposed to hundreds of examples of violence every day.” Once violence could be shown as “the tragic consequence of misunderstandings”, but it is another point all together to demonstrate violence “as a thrill, as a solution to human problems or merely as something that happens when people are slightly frustrated...” The more the media glorifies violence, the more acceptable that assault, battery, or murder seem. The more 'normal' it is, the more 'normal' it becomes. And the more afraid and protective women must become.
Women live in a dangerous world that tends to desensitize sexuality and violence. Their sense of reality is much too acute. Cultural abuse has desensitized young ladies from being who they truly are. Instead of asking young women to be the best they can be, society asks that they be what society wants them to be. In the book The Story of an African Farm, Olive Shreiner says “The world tells us what we are to be and shapes us by the ends it sets before us. To men it says, work. To us it says, seem. The less a woman has in her head, the lighter she is for carrying.” As long as young women yield to our culture's wish for them, they will remain a smaller 'burden' on the backs of this country, but they won't be able to contribute to progression, either.
The second form of abuse Mary Pipher spoke on most prevalently was sexual abuse. She knew of many cases where young women had been abused, or raped. These events often changed the lives of those ladies forever. Dr. Pipher goes to high schools and speaks to groups of girls. “The last three times [she's] spoken at a high school class, a girl has approached [Dr. Pipher] afterward to tell [her] she's been raped.” (219)
Statistics continue to increase, shocking the world. Although one in four women are raped, only sixteen percent report. Sixty percent of victims of rape are under eighteen. Thirty-two percent of young women raped are between the ages twelve and eighteen. Once when Dr. Pipher expressed a concern that a younger friend of her's would be raped, she was greeted with the reply “Do you think that hasn't happened to me before?” Eighty percent of victims knew their attacker. A rape is reported about once every five minutes. How many times a minute would calls be coming in if all women reported their assault? As Dr. Pipher looked over these figures, she proclaimed, “The newer the study, the worse the figures.” (218-219, Office of Health Education)
The effects of rape can be devastating. “Rape hurts us all, not just the victims.” (230) Women become increasingly terrified. Men must prove themselves to women. Dr. Pipher observed, “Fear changes behavior in a thousand ways- where and when young women can go places, who they talk to and where they walk, study, and live.” (219) Her oldest client for rape was in her seventies, having been raped as a teenager. Even she still had nightmares because of the experience. (219)
I once had a discussion with a male friend of mine. I talked about my fear of rape, and how, as a girl, I felt that I always had to be on the lookout. I explained to him, “A girl could look at a man sideways, and it may have been an accident, but she may have looked at just the wrong guy.” He was astounded because he had never been afraid of being attacked before. This was one of my first insights into the differences between men and women and their different ways of living with rape.
In the American culture “sex is currently associated with violence, power, domination, and status.” Young women are “surrounded by sexual violence.” There are many emotions and defenses young ladies use, once victimized. They may “become post traumatic stress victims. They experience all the symptoms-- depression, anger, fear, recurrent dreams and flashbacks.” Though in the beginning they may feel “shock, denial and dissociation”, these feelings often transfer to feeling “anger and self-blame for not being more careful or fighting back.” After rape, young women are more afraid. Nearly all of them say they have been “permanently changed.” (230)
Victims of childhood sexual abuse suffer similarly, as “adolescent issues often trigger earlier traumas.” The victims are often left on their own to “rework the abuse when they are teenagers.” Amidst their culture's expectations, and memories of a horrible past, they can easily become “mixed up about love, sex, punishment and affection. They need to erase memories of bad relationships and build ideas about good ones.” If they don't rebuild correct ideologies, they could very easily run into problems in relationships. As they grow, “issues may arise with dating”. Sexual experiences present themselves, and 'though the girl may want to be “emotionally present”, she may find it impossible to enter into a sexual relationship, finding that it causes a dissociative reaction in her. (229)
It's very important for victims of rape or abuse to let out their pain. When a client of Dr. Pipher came to her as a rape victim, she was terrified of telling her story. Mary Pipher would tell her stories of other girls who had visited her office for the same reason. After a few sessions of stories, Dr. Pipher told her client “When you cut your finger, it bleeds; you may not like blood, it's scary and messy, but fingers that are cut are supposed to bleed. That's healthy. If they don't bleed, something is wrong. What happened to you is horrible and you are going to feel a lot of pain. You won't like it, it's messy and scary, but it's part of healing. Burying the feelings will hurt more in the long run.” (222) The effects of abuse can be much like an infection. The infection must be cut open. Even though there will be a great amount of pain with the draining and the cutting of the infection, once drained and healed there is no more pain. That's the goal.
Alice Miller once said, “The results of any traumatic experience, such as abuse, can only be resolved by experiencing, articulating, and judging every facet of the original experience within a process of careful therapeutic disclosure.” The experience, articulation, and judgment are difficult and painful processes, but they lead to the greater good for the victim. There are a few victims who seem to have an “inner strength”, but for the most part many are damaged greatly. (Reader's Digest)
Dr. Pipher suggests a partial-solution. She values the treatment given for rape or abuse victims- “therapists, hospitals, rape crisis centers and support groups.” (231) But what she wishes for our culture is that we also had a preventative program- somewhere to teach men to respect women and to treat them kindly, and to teach them the horror of abuse. A study was taken in Rhode Island. Young women and young men were asked to answer when a man “has the right to have sexual intercourse with a woman without her consent.” “Eighty percent said the man had the right to use force if the couple were married, and seventy percent if the couple planned to marry. Sixty-one percent said that force was justified if the couple had had prior sexual relations. More than half felt that force was justified if the woman had led the man on. Thirty percent said it was justified if he knew that she had had sex with other men, or if he was so sexually stimulated he couldn't control himself, or if the woman was drunk.” This study revealed that at least eighty percent of these young men and young women didn't understand that no one ever has the right to force sex. (206) Dr. Pipher's suggestion of a “preventive program” could be extremely helpful if ever put to use. Not only do women need to learn how to avoid dangerous situations, but men need to learn what is and is not appropriate.
Looking through the lens of Mary Pipher, abuse is as deadly as a dose of cyanide, but we have the antidote. Choosing to take the antidote after being poisoned by the effects of cultural or sexual abuse, young women can become fulfilled, emotionally self-sufficient adults. Although the statistics are against young ladies of the era, there are ways to avoid, to minimize or to transfer a risk. There are ways to heal, and become the best young woman they can be!





References:
Pipher, Mary, 1994. Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls
Pipher, Mary, 1996. The Shelter of Each Other: Rebuilding Our Families
Safran, 1989. “Kids Who Beat the Odds”, Reader's Digest
Schreiner, 1999. The Story of an African Farm
Brainy Quote, Alice Miller, 2006
http://www.brainyquote.com/quo...

National Children's Study, Jan. 2004, http://www.nationalchildrensst...

Office of Health Education, 2004
http://www.vpul.upenn.edu/ohe/...

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I recently heard the song “Damaged” by Plumb. The song is a narrative from a woman's point of view. She had been sexually abused as a child, and is now dealing with misplaced ideologies, controversial emotions, and actions she knows she now has to take. As I listen to the song, a solemn feeling goes through my mind, and questions wash over my aching brain. The first, and almost cliché, inquiry is “Why would this happen?” Questions lead to more questions. “Does this happen because the victims need to better themselves?” “Why does someone's choice create negative consequences for so many people?”
In the song the woman says that she's working towards “forgiveness for a man who was stronger.” In the physical aspect, I'm sure this man was much stronger than she was as a “little girl”, but the fact that she's alive, thinking, and trying to sort out questions, has me wondering “Who is stronger, the perpetrator who forces physically, or the victim who endures emotionally?” “What is strength?”, I begin to ask myself, and “Do I have strength?” “Is there a difference between being strong and having strength?”
One of the focuses of the song is that the woman strongly believes she is “damaged”, and can be of no help to others now because she's so hung up on being stuck where she is. I strongly believe there is immense value in the knowledge we can acquire from our experiences. This leads me to ask “When is a person sincerely damaged? Is there anything we can do to heal them, if they are damaged?” When we know we can not go back and change the initial event, does the event itself aide in “damaging” us? Is it the experience itself that damages people, or is it having to live with the consequences of the action that “damages” us? If it's the nightmares, or the flashbacks, or the rampant, intrusive emotions that eventually 'kill' a person's will to try, what can be done to prevent those? Can they be prevented? Should we prevent them, or should we allow a learning experience to take place?
In part of the chorus, she says “I'm scared, and I'm alone. I'm ashamed, and I need for you to know I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say, and you can't take back what you've taken away.” Many times, I've felt like my emotions would never change from where they were at that moment. It can be very scary to think that you will always feel alone, enough so, that you eventually begin to be convinced that you are alone. I wonder who could open up, and connect with this woman so she feels less alone. If we were to get all the junk out of the closet, stereotypes could dissipate. We might feel more accepted and normal. We all have our backpack full of 'stuff'. Should we show it to the world? How could that change attitudes concerning abuse victims?
A verse near the beginning of the song, states that “healing comes so painfully and it chills to the bone.” She goes on to ask “Won't anyone get close to me? I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know.” How patient do we need to be with healing to see that, though painful, it puts us in a more complete state? Are there times where we need to say 'hurry up', or should we let ourselves take it one step at a time, the entire time? Is there a social insecurity towards insecurity, particularly abuse? Why is it that, when people discover someone's past, they wonder if they want to be a part of their future? Are there valid reasons we ought to be 'afraid' of making contact with people like this, or are those reasons stereotypical, and harsh? Is it the events or the people that should be generalized?
In the end of the song, the narrator is adamant about not 'looking back' but still 'going on'. I wonder if it's possible to 'go on' sufficiently without 'looking back', and learning. Is looking back more destructive or helpful? Does the future need the past? How can we change the future by observing the past? Can we change our observations of the past, as we use our current observations to change the present? She sings that 'true love is a fairy tale', and yet sings 'I'm damaged; how would I know?' If she could look at true love differently than what she was taught, could it have a difference on her future as a wife, as a mother, as a woman, as a human being?
She's obviously second guessing herself. I wonder how constructive that is for her. Do our second-guesses of our own decisions affect those around us? When we're parents, if our children see us second-guessing ourselves, they could see that it's a natural thing to do. The earlier they begin to second-guess themselves, the worse. Do our second-guesses encourage and spur others' second guesses?
From the song, I get the impression that the woman would almost like to feel numb to the situation. She would like to have it over with. Do feelings buried alive, die? If so, are there only certain personality types who can do that, or is that option open to everyone? If feelings are buried, did they ever truly exist? Is it the same with trespassing-events? If someone is not affected by the heinous abuse suffered as a child, and yet another is psychotic, purely from mild abuse as a child, should the first offender be punished less than the second because the consequences weren't as horrific? Do we judge in America by the choice or the consequence? Concerning abuse, are the courts keeping up with justice? Is justice a forgotten dream?
Sexual abuse and rape are increasingly rampant. 'Though never spoken of, rarely pointed out, and only occasionally questioned, this is a problem that affects us all. The shame and fear may be evident, but what can we do to aid those who feel afraid and shameful?

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