Optical Allusionist

I've had a lot of thoughts lately... they cover a wide range of subjects, so this blog post may be more of a ramble than a set list of ideas and thoughts.

I've gone through a lot of transitions in my life as of the past two years. I left the religion of my childhood. I came to terms with my attractions to women, and then came to terms with my manhood. I have been through much tribulation. Last year was one of the worst, and one of the best years of my life. I was in a relationship with a woman who I have loved more than anyone else, myself included. She brought spice and beauty to my life. My love for her continues to grow. The chance I had, a chance some people never get, to be with someone I truly love, was and is precious. She showed me the majesty of rotting houses, and the need the world has for people who will love it. She taught me to eat healthier, and not to crush bugs on the sidewalk. She showed me love, dedication, and acceptance. I had experienced love, but she made the word grow for me. It made me feel like I had never understood the word before, and that's only where it began.

I came out as a lesbian-- I didn't have the words yet to describe my masculinity-- and a month or so after, our relationship was outed to her family, and all hell broke loose. I will spare the reader the meat of the story, but will explain somewhat the effects of a wolf in sheep's clothing, or hate in love's clothing... Thus followed 3 complete mental break downs for her, a near-institutionalization for her-- which we should have taken... hindsight is 20/20, a near-suicide-attempt for me, several doctors appointments for me-- taking care of her was stressful to my emotional and physical self, but she is always worth it, and she honestly had no one else--, days and nights without sleep for the both of us and food for her, an emergency room visit for her, several calls to the local suicide hotline for her. In the meantime, her family was acting atrociously (the thing that pushed her to the edge in the first place), sending her to the brink and refusing to help, and insisting that I not be the one to help her. I have never seen something so ugly as someone who insists they love you while they literally drive you insane, drive you to death.

My love and I moved away at the end of the summer to continue school elsewhere, but the effects of the stress from the summer proved too much. I did better, once I was out of reach of her family, but, although she wasn't in as bad shape as before, she continued to feel great pain, guilt, and fear. The pain became too much, and we had to end our official relationship. She loved me, and I loved her, and we continue to care about each other in a way I never though possible, but she couldn't handle the elephant on her back anymore... and I do not blame her.

I've... matured. ...I hope, haha. I think I have.

Another thing that has happened to me has been an extreme surprise. My 14 year old self would be incredibly appalled.

I don't talk to my family about my feelings concerning the religion I was raised in, because I know they are at rest in "the Church", and more than anything, I want them to be happy and at rest. They have treated me with incredible respect-- respect I have not always deserved. They have treated me with extreme love. I am one of the lucky few, to not only still have a vague connection to the people who are blood related to me, but to have a loving relationship with them. We seek to understand each other, and build each other up, even if includes things we don't understand. And then we seek to understand.

But... as to my relationship with "the Church"...

Not only have I taken my name off the records of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the Mormon/LDS Church), but I have come across information that leads me to view the specific religion in an unfavorable light. It is about the abuse, the past and present oaths in the secret ceremonies in the temple, the purposeful cover-ups by Church leadership of Church history that continue today, the finances and manipulation within the finances, the history of ethnocentrism, xenophobia, racism, sexism, heterosexism, cysgenderism, it is about the manipulation within so-called "loving" teachings, the lies, and the "love"-cloaked hatred. I understand that these are severe accusations, and if anyone would like specifics, they are welcome to message me. Let it be understood: I am not discussing the people of "the Church" or the culture of Utah, although I believe it is highly influenced by "the Church". I am discussing specific doctrines, specific events in Church history, specific actions and words of leaders, specific beliefs and ideologies supported by high leadership and doctrines within "the Church". I am appalled at my contributions to such an organization as this.

...I have changed a lot. Many transitions.

I'm beginning another one. After 10 months of beginning to understand my masculinity, 8 months of incredible thought and effort and acceptance of my being a man in a female body. I have begun testosterone injections, and am excited for the day when my outer appearance will better match my inner self.

Transitions are a good, and somewhat tiring, thing. I'm okay with transition, ESPECIALLY if it's towards the better. The better is not always free of pain, of frustration, and stress. But the better is more ethical, which becomes a transition for the happier. Happiness is found deep inside of us. We may be stressed, sad, angry, frustrated, and still find a deep resounding happiness. I am so, very, very happy. But that does not mean I am not without confusion. It's a very good kind of confusion.

I think the theme of the post today is: transition. And that is all.