Optical Allusionist

August 5, 2007

(just one sec: free association is the theory that Freud brought up. it's the idea that if you talk and talk, no matter how embarrassing or wrong, then you eventually find the heart of your basic ideologies: your subconscious. i won't be doing entirely free association, but i do just want to talk.)

Oddly enough, I have quite a hard time being away from friends and family. It's way wierd, but the first few days here in Germany, I had a really hard time with homesickness. Now, instead of a sharp pain, I've found a dull ache to be back home, which works cause on Tuesday we're coming home. We'll ride a train to Prague, and I don't really want to do that because I'm worried the train will make me sick, but at the same time, it'll be cool to say I've been on a train. We visited all the countries in the world that have German as their natural language. I hate German and I love it. Okay, what I hate is dialects. Some people I understand wonderfully, and others, well, today we went to church in Innsbruck, Austria, and the testimony meeting went like this for me: "Skjfbsjka book bajdkfjdskjbejrae cry bjdakbvjdbje girl's camp dbjkdbjeiajr EFY bjeifjaejfa I know Joseph Smith fabjrkaje prophet kvjbaiewjbkjn Jesus Christ bjekejegbe testimony..." and so on and so forth. It was driving me crazy! (much like the german keyboards, but that's another story that i don't want to spend my time on.)

I've been sadder the past two weeks than I have during the summer as a whole, but I think it's just because I'm missing something. Maybe home, maybe friends, maybe this, maybe that. I miss Grace, Bethany, Caitlin, Elsa, Ashley, Kristen, Lyndsi, Lauren, home, my cat (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), Tysic (yay, i'm going to see him on friday, i'm so stoked!) I feel like I'm running myself in circles by not doing anything, but feeling desperate to do something. But I'm also feeling an odd mix of... trepidation and peace. I sent a letter to Mike several weeks ago- sometime at the beginning of the summer. I actually sent it to his mom to forward to him, but she can't know it was me cause that would just ruin it all. For him, especially, because she'd want to know why, and it wouldn't make any sense really. Why would he, a 25 (25 now?) year-old bachelor, be interested in an 18 year old girl who just got out of high school??? I have no idea (and it kills me 'cause I know I like him a lot, and I know it would never work.) But part of me is like "Oh, it's all right, because I don't even know if he got it, but if his mom got it she hasn't said anything, so it probably didn't get to anyone at all, and so I'm not bothered by the fact that he hasn't written back yet, and it's probably just further sign that I need to forget this adorable, gorgeous man." and the other side of me that... hmm, well, i don't even know really what i'm feeling. maybe like i still hate a part of him, because i'm still hurting in some ways, but maybe an ache for the fact that i can't have him, or maybe self-doubt because i know he'd never look at me with a second glance, except out of obligation. or maybe it's just that I'm hungry, and doesn't really have anything to do with Mike at all. It's a "And if the relationship DID progress, and even to the point of engagement, what then?" situation, because. Yeesh. Not entirely true free association. I'll have to go back and read what I wrote in case I'm worried about the people (who actually read them, i mean...) reading into it more in the way that i wouldn't want them to, or would want them to, or wouldn't even care, anyways, this is silly i'm just going to read it.... hmm.... ahh... yes... ahhmmm... Well, it's reasonable. here I am, lecturing people about authenticity, and I'm checking my post to see if it's not really free association. Lol, what a hypocrite.