Optical Allusionist

I'm sorry it's been a week since I last posted. I've been thinking hard, and debating about what I'd like to post about. This past week has certainly been an eventful one. I could talk about all the time I spent with a close friend, Kelly. I could talk about the book I began writing about 'the tales of Annie and Ruth', based on events with my cousin Gracie. I could also talk about how my favorite teacher isn't going to be rehired because he accidentally stumbled upon a Playboy site. Or I could talk about how I lost a friend over the weekend and gained her back over the weekend. Should I talk about the boy I think's been avoiding me, or the dream I had last night where I tortured my friend? Ooh, maybe I should talk about the other night, when I woke up three times in cold sweats from nightmares. I could talk about introducing my friend to "Matilda", the book & the movie. I suppose I could talk about how I finally found a job-- at the place I used to work a few months ago. :) I introduced a close friend and a close teacher-friend (whom my close friend had despised) and reconciled that incident.

I've been wanting to write a post that describes my feelings concerning the song "Russians" by Sting, or give a brief explanation of my views on each of the presidential candidates. But tonight, what really struck me was a song from the play "The Civil War."

This song is called "How Many Devils?" and it fairly describes how I feel tonight. The lyrics are posted at the bottom of this post. Also, a link for the song on Youtube, is: "http://youtube.com/watch?v=RVdFQWaeSko".

When I have a string of nights linked by nightmares, I tend to be in a quiet, contemplative mood about this time of night guessing at what I'm about to face. Who will I see killed tonight? Who will rape me tonight? How will it affect me tomorrow morning? How am I ever going to get over this? When will I get over it? Would I not have had nightmares had Aubrey not attempted suicide, or Devin not threatened me, or a million other options? And after last night, "Who will I torture tonight?" or "What will I do wrong tonight?"

But most of all,

"How will I escape?" From me. From the others. From the truth. How will I escape? How many devils?

However, I have the luxury: I can wake up and say, "Shelly, that never happened. Breathe in, breathe out. That never happened. You're okay. He/She're okay. They're fine. Just a dream, just a dream." But it's still like seeing someone shot or beheaded or tortured before your eyes. And I've just gotten used to seeing things like that. Hahaha, I've desensitized myself.

"When did life become so damn cheap?"

My therapist says that I have the nightmares so I can feel prepared to fight or deal with anything that comes along in real life.

And I've conquered something recently! I SWAM!! I have been... deathly aquaphobic for the past handful of years, and so a friend and I (in November) decided to set a date to swim, and to work up to that day. That day was last Saturday, and for the first time since I was around 15, I swam in something other than a bathtub.

This morning I felt like asking the questions the Confederate soldiers ask themselves in this song. "How many miles? How many fears? How many days? How many years? How many rivers of blood, sweat and tears? How many times into the fray? How many [times won’t I] walk away?... How many miles dead on our feet, drenched to the bone, baked in the heat?" I see the bodies around me who have dropped from exhaustion and murder. And even as I'm asking how it can't be allowed-- my dropping-- I know I'm determined to find a place where there aren't bodies lying around me.

I'm debating about whether or not to elaborate. I don't want to be the kind of blogger who only posts when they're sad or mad. I want to post intelligently and soberly, so I should probably wait another couple days before I elaborate on the past several months-- the ups, the downs, how hard it was to stay alive in the battlefield of my mind, and why I'm here now, fighting the good fight. Enjoy the ride, right? Things get better.

Things do get better.




How Many Devils?

One, Two, pick ‘em up and put ‘em down again and watch the lines go on by
Three, Four, pick ‘em up and put ‘em down again until you stop work and then you die
One, Two, pick ‘em up and put ‘em down again until Massah Robert tells us to cease
Three, Four, when the hell did shoes get so damn dear and life get so damn cheap?
One, Two, those damn Yankees ain’t give up as easy as we thought they’d be
Three, Four, those damn Yankees ain’t near as scared or half as hungry as we
One, Two, pick ‘em up and put ‘em down again is all a body can do
Three, Four, pick ‘em up and put ‘em down again until this bloody war is through!
How many miles? How many fears? How many days? How many years?
How many rivers of blood, sweat and tears?
How many times into the fray? How many men won’t walk away?
How many hells filled with how many devils to pay?
One, Two, pick ‘em up and put ‘em down again and watch the miles roll on
Three, Four, pick ‘em up and put ‘em down again until your strength is nearly gone
One, Two, pick ‘em up and put ‘em down again and dream of home, safe and sound
Three, Four, pick ‘em up and put ‘em down again ’til we’re six feet underground
How many miles dead on our feet, drenched to the bone, baked in the heat?
Fading from ground with another retreat?
How many times into the fray? How many men won’t walk away?
How many hells filled with how many devils to pay?
Bodies all lay in the tall summer grass, swollen and butchered and still
Measuring miles by the dead that you pass, measuring life by the men you kill
How many days? How many more? How many men lost to this war?
I can’t remember what we’re fighting for!
How many times into the fray? How many men won’t walk away?
How many hells filled with how many devils to pay?