Optical Allusionist

November 9, 2007

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a failure in the eyes of my 10 year old self. The first time I thought that was when I read a story I began to write as a fifth grader. The story was about me as an 18 year old (Hey, that's me!) - an age I thought I'd never reach- and how I had "many boyfriends" and was ready to be married!! (rolling eyes with a tinge of a smile.) I'm a few months away from 19, and have had no boyfriends- nobody even close- and am definitely not ready to be married. I'm beginning to wonder how I'd see myself if I could look from the outside in. ... I never thought I'd get here. I thought I could bypass the trouble I'm staring at. I was running, sprinting, doing anything I could just to be away from having to seriously sit down with myself and say "LISTEN to me! You have to stop running and turn around and face whatever you're running from." and here I am facing it... I wonder if this could have been headed off...

Do any of you reading this-- if there is anyone-- know what true depression feels like? Not the regular downs of the day, but true solid, sinking depression. A feeling that makes your heart so heavy it drops to your toes, hollowing you out as it goes? Do you know what panic attacks feel like? True anxiety? Where the only thing you can think about is running from the place you're at. Why do I feel that way every Relief Society lesson? I'm doing what I need to. I'm not bad. I'm not perfect, but I'm doing very good. I think I'm scared of doing something that would lose the approval of my fellow Sisters, because I fought so hard for the appreciation I wanted in the Laurels, when I was there. It's funny. now that I'm out, I feel closer to Ashley, Elsa, and many of the Beehives. Sevey, Gretchen, Erin, Erin's twin whom I can't remember that's-really-sad-oops, and the several Jessicas. Matthew, my boss, calls them my fan club because whenever they see me at the junior high-- where I work as a custodian--, they run over, give me hugs, ask me how I'm doing, and want to tell me their own news.

But I digress...It's almost 12:30, which means I've got class in almost 8 hours. Sleep sounds nice, but only just dulls the sharp fatigue I've felt since Devin said those things to me... I think that was almost a month ago. CAn you believe it? I'm so weak, so frail, which is disappointing but eye-opening. Caitlin and I were speaking, and she pointed out that it's better for me to get help now than to try to get help as a 30 or 40 year old mother. She's right, too... I just never thought I'd get help this way.

I always imagined myself in counseling. I've known I needed it for a while. So, that wasn't odd when I started going to that a couple years ago, although it was a little bit of a surprise that it took as long as it did- and an incident as serious as it did- to get my parents to get me in somewhere.

But this is something I never pictured for myself. I quit. I quit school, Ashley. You asked me today what I was doing and I was so ashamed that I lied. As of today, I am only taking my easy-peasy-one-two-threesy health class, and my two institute classes. So, I guess I am going to school... but not what I had pictured. Sigh, not what I had pictured. I won't explain why I quit so suddenly. The easiest way to say it is that I got too overwhelmed, and too depressed, and had to get the biggest stress out of my life before I took an alternative, which there are many options in terms of alternatives. Isn't it funny? Here I am, going to institute and health, and looking for an institution and healing. How humorous.

It's too late for me to write this, but its the only time I begin to feel when I'm here at home. My home is an allusion. But no matter. Its time for me to leave you to sleep, and me to sleep, as well. Ahhhh, sleep. How wonderful it feels until the dreams come... To sleep, perchance to dream.