Optical Allusionist

February 29, 2008


Tonight, I'm in a fog. It feels like Devin was a bad dream, and that I've awoken from my worst nightmare, and here I am in the Land of Normalcy. For me, the Land of Normalcy is a place free of unreasonable depression or anxiety or irritability. It isn't perfect, but it isn't.... bad either, because it isn't horrible. But at the same time, I feel a cloaked sadness. Is it because it's late, and I always get more depressed, the more late it gets? Perhaps there's a part of me that doesn't think normalcy can last. I want to write the truth, but few people want to hear that. And telling the truth in such a outrageous way, well, it doesn't help ultimately. I want someone to hug me and kiss me and tell me they love me and tell me they'll never leave me, and for me to know that in my heart. To know that I will always have someone close to fall back on. I feel like I'm 13 again, my hormones pushing me to find male companionship.

I've been getting angry at a lot of people so easily lately. I'm angry at Devin, that dad-blamed-fool! I'm angry with Lynz. I'm angry with Chalice, Sara, with mom, with Dad. I'm angry with anyone I can get my anger on. And I kind of wonder if I'm missing the mark? Who am i really angry at? Am I really angry at Chalice for having her own legitimate opinion about Phillip Pullman's series? Am I really angry with Devin for something I'm over-- in reference to him? And then the most horrifying question of all--- Am I actually angry at... Mike? And another horrifying question--- Am I actually angry at... myself? It hurts more to think I could be angry at Mike, than to think of being angry at myself. Mike never wrote back, Shelly, so get a grip. Mike's engaged. Maybe that's why I'm angry. I DON'T KNOW THOUGH!!! How can I expect to psychoanalyze myself?? There're too many possibilities!!!! Why do I feel... happier, and yet at the same time I feel like I'm rotting from the inside out???