Optical Allusionist

January 12, 2008


I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Without school or work in the morning (until next Tuesday when I start working a second job for the mornings) I've had a lot of time for it-- thinking, that is. Thinking about me. About where I want to be at various points of my life. Of who I am, who I hope to be, who I don't want to be. Thinking about where I stand with other people in my life.

Every now and then I'll talk to someone who will say, "Man. I don't think I could do that." Since I don't have anything to say to that, I mutely nod a few times and then just look at them, waiting to see what they'll say next. But it's half of how I've been feeling lately. A lot of "what ifs" have been running through my head, and I've been having to remind myself that I'm supposed to be in the moment, in the present. I'm so used to spending the brunt of my time speculating or worrying about the future or obsessing about the past, that it's an odd sensation to suddenly remind myself, "Oh yeah. That hasn't happened. I'm driving to Wal*Mart, not being kidnapped."

Who am I, though? I'm the person I think people will want me to be, most of the time. I'm the good girl at church, the lewd girl with Elise, the liberal-open girl with Matt, the smart girl with teachers. Am I good, lewd, liberal or smart? Am I all of those things, and I just intensify them for those people? What wouldn't I be able to handle? Could I not handle knowing what did -or didn't- happen? Could I handle not being able to have kids? Could I handle being in a gun fight? A war? A rebellion? Could I handle being in a relationship where my spouse cheats on me? Could I handle having a child die, or be raped or abused or bullied? Could I handle the loss of a close friendship? What could- or couldn't- I handle?

In the worst of situations, what would I do? With "situational force", would I kill someone? Abuse someone? Rape someone? Steal from someone? Would I lie to them? Ignore them? What would I do? What is the worst I would do? Does that make it me? In the best of situations, what would I do? Save someone's life? Smile at them? Invite them over? Talk to them? Love them? Forgive them?

I wouldn't ever put myself as the super-hero of my own novel, but I don't think I'd place myself in the role of the super-villain either. Those secret hopes and forbidden thoughts that are rarely revealed, is that the submerging of a deep subconscious, or a momentary lapse of consciousness? Is that the part of us we are suppressing, or is it just simply not a part of us?

The real question is: Who am I?

A daughter of God
A janitor
A survivor
And a million other things.

What do those mean? Who am I?

Does what we do define who we are? If someone says something jerky, does that make them a jerk? If somebody helps somebody out, does that make them nice? What if those people are the same person? Are they nice, or are they a jerk? What about "bigger" things, like "rapists" or "sex offenders"? Maybe those titles are valid, but maybe not. 11 years after the crime, with a great amount of reformation, is that man still a rapist? No?
"But he RAPED someone!!"
"But it's been 11 years."
"But it was RAPE!"
"But he's changed."
"But it's just a part of who he is! He showed that 11 years ago."

I don't know the answer to that. What do you think? What about job titles? I'm not just a janitor, but I am a janitor. It's a part of my life, but not a part of who I inherently am. What would happen if I decided on a career that I wanted, dependent of anyone else's opinion of that career? What if I wanted to be a urologist or a sex therapist? What if I decided to study architecture or aviation? How about if I decided to be a detective or a sexual assault advocate? A brain surgeon? Let's say I had the ability to be ANYTHING! Free of guilt from knowing what other people would think of me. Who would I be?