Optical Allusionist

January 19, 2008


I'm not here to say that everybody needs to live a certain way. For heaven's sake, I don't want to ring of that world in "A Wrinkle In Time" where boys bounce balls in sync. But I feel like a "recoiled monster" in Mormon Happy Valley culture. I'm almost 19. Not too old, but not too young either-- by my standards. I'm feeling rebellious and scared. I want to move to California, where I don't have to feel so ridiculously careful about what I say or do because someone may think I've done wrong by considering to be a sex therapist, or a urologist, or my concentration-- some have mispokenly said "obsession"-- with rape and sexual abuse. I don't want to live in a culture where it's a 'sin' to read "Reviving Ophelia" a book that --briefly-- addresses sexuality and sexual violence. I've been reprimanded by it, and I'm sick of that. Sigh, let me explain. I'm not angry right now. I'm just tired. Tired of living in a culture where I grew up believing it was against my religion to go to a "sex crazed" sex therapist. Tired of living in a valley where I'm thrown out for making a fight against sexual violence my crusade, simply because it has a vague connection to sex or sexuality.

I feel like I'm on tenderhooks. Whereas my parents never spoke about sex, and gave me a vague meaning when I was 9 after I asked, now they're comfortable with me suggesting I buy a book to help me understand sexuality through God's eyes, or bringing up the fact that I'm considering taking a Human Sexuality class next semester. I'm tired of being condemned for wanting to watch Dakota Fanning's movie "Hounddog" because it has a mild scene of child rape in it.

Everyone is a sexual human being. Everyone has body parts that aide a personalized sexuality. Everyone thinks about sex and sexuality. So why do we find it so hard to be the least bit open? Why are there so many words that I wouldn't dare say in front of the best of friends, but I feel fine about saying "I hurt my arm" or "Man, my head hurts"? Everyone is a sexual human being.

Like I said, I'm feeling rebellious. Ready to become a urologist just because so many men become gynecologists without a bat of an eye. Ready to learn everything about my body, and every body around me. Ready to talk with someone about sex. Ready to say something "unorthodox" simply to get the reaction I know I will. Why is it so hard to talk about when everyone has it, everyone does it, everyone is?