"He who neglects what is done for what ought to be done, sooner effects his ruin than his preservation." - Machiavelli, The Prince
Life is the Humming of the Lights
Author: Jack
January 26, 2008
Lately, life has been reminding me of those awkward pauses where you can hear the humming of the fluorescent lights. I'm a whir of angry, despaired emotion. Maybe it's just winter time. Maybe it's that I'm working more, so I'm tired. Maybe it's prolonged pms. Maybe it's just that I'm a whiner.
I write a teacher twice who I adore, and she never writes back. I comment on a couple of her notes, and she never takes notice. I write a "how are you" email, and I don't hear anything from her.
On the other hand, I write a note on a teacher's whiteboard, and she emails me the most welcoming thing I've heard all week.
I'm spit-fire angry at a friend, but because of my own impatience. It hurts to not be needed. I swear this happens every time. Every time I get into a friendship, sooner or later, I need them 100 times more than they will ever need me again. For a week or so I've been the only one contacting, and when I did, it was only about half the time that she replied. So, finally, I decided to wait for her to come to me. And she finally did today.
On the other hand, there are other friends that I've ignored in my own day, too. I've done exactly what she's doing.
I've not been attending public activities as I usually do. In the beginning, it was church. That was, though, because of some problems I've been having with anxiety. But lately, I have such a hard time getting up and going. There's nothing for me there anymore. I don't feel like I have anything to go for. I'm so mad! I can't even sit inside because I'll freak and not be able to enjoy the lessons!! So I have to sit outside like an awkward loner and then watch as the late comers file into the "chapel" as I sit out in the foyer. I hate going. I hate it.
isn't it ironic? here i am, withdrawing from everyone I know, and yet reaching out to a few people I need, and I'm so lonely. I'm so lonely. And i'm so tired. I want to have a real discussion with someone!! Can anyone give me that? Two minutes of your time to talk? Are you reading this thinking, "Man, she IS a whiner"? Maybe I am. And maybe that's because I need someone to listen. I don't need to need someone. I need someone to need me. I need to know I'm needed. That there's a reason for me to stay. That there's a reason for me to keep going to church, other than feel the Spirit. I need to know someone loves me. Someone I can see in front of me.
(((HUGS))) I hope you're doing better than you were when you wrote this, it looks hard. I know I'm not usually your go-to girl but you can call me any time.