Optical Allusionist

Joy to Everyone

So, I'm thinking about Jimmy Carter and how much he brought into his time as president, particularly in his un-wavering attempt to live up to what he believed was right. Because of his actions, however, often he couldn't accomplish ANYTHING he wanted to. So... I know personal morals have a place in politics, but can we please admit that they are not politics.

King of Pain

There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a little black spot on the sun today
(That`s my soul up there)
It's the same old thing as yesterday
(That`s my soul up there)
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
(That`s my soul up there)
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop
(That`s my soul up there)

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall
(That`s my soul up there)
There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
(That`s my soul up there)
There's a blue whale beached by a spring tide's ebb
(That`s my soul up there)
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web
(That`s my soul up there)

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread

King of pain

There's a red fox torn by a huntsman's pack
There's a black-winged gull with a broken back
There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

King of pain
I'll always be king of pain
I'll always be king of pain

I love Kellie. Not like a girlfriend (rolling eyes), but like... like a very close sister. She is someone worth knowing, worth befriending, worth loving. Kellie is deep, kind, patient, creative, loving, generous, clever, smart, humble, empathetic, funny, interested, curious, and sweet. She likes to learn, and to teach. She doesn't gossip. She sees the good in people that I don't. Kellie talks to trees, and cares about Mother Nature. She is a beautiful human being!! I had to work hard to gain her trust and her friendship, and it was very worth it. I love her! I really love her!

If you heard Rush Limbaugh's rant on the SLC restaurant One World Cafe, I hope you didn't buy into some of the junk he was getting into. One World Cafe is based upon the altruistic idea that we should all look out for each other. So, for those who don't have a lot of money for food, they can come in, eat, and pay what they can. Get that? Pay. What. They. Can. Rush, don't pin this on "liberals". They ask what the customers can give. This isn't socialistic, it's realistic. Those, in turn, who can afford to pay a pricier cost, pay it, to keep the business in business, to keep food available to those who need it. Wow, sorry, Mr. Limbaugh, that we believe in an ideal, that we believe in the good of the people.

'Kay, and he keeps talking about how they don't serve beef. What's up with that? He's never eaten there, so he'd never know how good the food is. And, since I've eaten there, I can say that it's not my favorite, but it is good food. Hey, if you ever go there, try the Everything Cookie! It looks disgusting, but it tastes amazing, and is worth the extra few bucks.

They base their employees on volunteer work (or they can work for their food). One World Cafe helps people earn their meal, as they can. Learning what to do to get off your feet is good, but what happens when you need food today? In the meantime, might as well earn the meal, right?

There were problems, admittedly, with the business management of One World Cafe. They are working on correcting them. But instead of mocking that, Rush decides to mock the fact that they're a non-profit organization. Those who bought into his degradation of altruistic companies, have we forgotten that we are here to look out for our fellow men? That when we're sued for our coat, we give them our cloak as well? Yeah, I'm a liberal. I like the idea of everybody working for their buck, but I think it's a good idea to help a brother out, too. I am happy with my money being taxed to the max, as long as it's going to a good cause. As long as it helps somebody out, helps somebody up. (Granted, I don't believe it always goes to a good cause, which is why I'm involved in politics.) But as for the idea of doing what you can, and then being lifted up by your brothers and sisters, that's awesome. That's awesome.

Want to read up more on One World Cafe, what they're doing, and where they're getting their resources from? Try this MSNBC article. I found it accurate, fair, and informative.

The following is an excerpt from The Little Prince, written by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. Basic backstory: the little prince has traveled to earth, and is in search of a friend, and in search of man. As I read this excerpt, I thought of the many ways I feel like the prince, and the many ways I feel like the fox.

It was then that the fox appeared.
"Good morning," said the fox.
"Good morning," the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing.
"I am right here," the voice said, "under the apple tree."
"Who are you? asked the little prince, and added, "You are very pretty to look at."
"I am a fox," the fox said.
"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince. "I am so unhappy."
"I cannot play with you," the fox said. "I am not tamed."
"Ah! Please excuse me," said the little prince.
But after some thought, he added :
"What does that mean-- 'tame'?"
"You do not live here," said the fox. "What is it you are looking for?"
"I am looking for men," said the little prince. "What does that mean-- 'tame'?"
"Men," said the fox. "They have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?"
"No," said the little prince. "I am looking for friends. What does that mean-- 'tame'?"
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."
"'To establish ties'?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world..."
"I am beginning to understand," said the little prince. "There is a flower... I think that she has tamed me..."
"It is possible," said the fox. "On the Earth one sees all sorts of things."
"Oh, but this is not on the Earth!" said the little prince.
The fox seemed perplexed and very curious.
"On another planet?"
"Yes."
"Are there hunters on that planet?"
"No."
"Ah, that is interesting! Are there chickens?"
"No."
"Nothing is perfect," sighed the fox.
But he came back to his idea.
"My life is very monotonous," he said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back to the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat..."
The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.
"Please-- tame me!" he said.
"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."
"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me..."
"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.
"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me-- like that-- in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day.
The next day the little prince came back.
"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you came a four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you... One must observe the proper rites..."
"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.
"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and i should never have any vacation at all."
So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of departure drew near--
"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."
"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you..."
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"Then it has done you no good at all!"
"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added:
"Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now why yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make a present of a secret."
The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.
"You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first new him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world."
And the roses were very much embarrassed.
"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passer-by would think that my rose looked just like you-- the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose."
And he went back to meet the fox.
"Goodbye," he said.
"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.
"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."
"It is the time I have wasted for my rose--" said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.
"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must never forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose..."
"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

I have this thing about not being in control. So, I've never really considered myself to be a control freak, but I guess when it comes to my life, I tend to need that sense of being in charge. (I'm supposed to call it "being in charge", rather than "being in control") So, after a month of things spiraling out of control, I could feel myself beginning to break. But I held on as long as I could, being as productive as possible. I did everything I could think of to keep my head above the rapids. As I got further, and further along down the road, however, the methods I'd used often (and had helped, just as often) began to help less and less, until they weren't helpful at all. Singing to Regina Spektor, spending some time watching a fun show on television, taking a walk, taking midnight runs, they just aren't helping as much as they used to. I still do them all, but they continue to not help. Yay. So, I've been discovering, well, trying to, at least, different ways to deal with the depression, fear, and anxiety.

Even so, I could continue to feel my functionality breaking, more and more. I have been continually continuing in the work, personally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and publicly. But it's hard when you're literally drowning in grief and fear (so much so, that you can't sleep) until 3 or 4 in the morning, and then dead until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. I know I need a better sleep schedule, but it's so scary at night, that I need a friend. Fortunately I have an amazing support system. I don't feel so alone, anymore. But that doesn't make all the pain go away. It just makes the pain... different. Guess what? I can barely function now. My room's a mess. I've got to find a job, pronto. My life's a mess. I don't have a brain that will pay attention enough to the things it needs to. I have to be über careful about what I do, that might amp up my depression, guilt, or anxiety. I'm really quiet about it, though, this time.

Last year was hell. After the freak out with Devin (sigh, loooong story), Andrew (sexual harassment at work, boss took his side, said I was "picking on him" by filing the complaint, and that I was overreacting, and... well... that's a long story too, exasperated sigh), and losing Bishop Thomas in a sudden car accident, I spiraled out of control in the extreme. I had been fairly happy, and then, literally, two days later, I could barely function from the guilt, grief, depression, fear, and anger. I had to drop out of school, and almost went to an institution because of how bad it had gotten. I was struggling to stay alive, literally. That's not how it is now. I mean, it's hard to want to live, much less like living, when your life's so saturated with pain as mine has been the past couple weeks, but don't worry about me killing myself! Not gonna happen. Anyway, what I was gonna say was that when last year occurred, I was so frightened by how depressed I was, that I basically told everyone everything. It's not been like that this year. I mean, seriously, it's pretty embarrassing. Last year I had my freak out session, so I'm not entitled to any more, right???

People try to understand. Friends try to help. But sometimes... they're not as big of a help as they try to be. :) Sad day, right? Sometimes we forget how debilitating depression or anxiety problems can be. LITERALLY, they can be as debilitating as cancer, diabetes, or a heart attack. Seriously. They are an illness, not a state of mind. I've been fervently trying to remind myself of that, as my functionality has been breaking, trying not to blame myself for things I can't quite control right now. Sure, I can do what I can to live as healthily (emotionally, physically, etc) as I can, so I don't get a reinstitution of depression or cancer, but y'wouldn't blame a person if they got another wave of cancer, would you? So... work on not blaming someone with depression, who is doing whatever they can. I mean, if somebody's got cancer, and they're blaming the cancer for everything, but they're not doing anything about it... well, they can't be blamed for having the cancer, but they sure as hell oughta do something about it. So... the fact that I have depression? Not my fault. The fact that I am continuing to have severe bouts of depression, concerning the past couple weeks? Actually, I don't think that's my fault either, since I sincerely am doing everything I can to get of this. Do you think I like being here? I am hoping. I am living. I am trying.

And that's about all I can do right now-- try to survive.

So, yeah, I guess this blog would count as being a little more open about the problems I've been having. I'm actually not entirely sure what the objective of this blog was... maybe to help people understand? I'm not really sure. Cause if you haven't had anxiety, or depression, I'm sorry, but you can't understand. It's something totally different than anything I've dealt with before. Anyway... yeah. :) Some things I have learned from having depression:

* Things always get better
* It is totally worth it, to keep trying as hard as you can
* Stay with the Lord. He loves you!

Please, as we come closer to the voting booths (for those of you who have not yet arrived), please take these things into consideration.

You may agree or disagree with Proposition 8, but please be polite. These men and women, gay, straight, bi, whatever, are your brothers and sisters, and ought to be treated as such. Please, be kind. Recognize their divine nature. If you are reading this post, you are more likely a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This religion posted a pamphlet earlier in the year, entitled "God Loveth His Children". Take it into account. In it, as members of His church, we are encouraged to be tolerant and kind, to all who disagree with us, or live a different lifestyle.

You do not have to agree or disagree with the proposition. It is your prerogative to have an opinion. However, it is a right, as human beings, as children of God, for others to be treated with respect.

As for the beliefs of our church: We do not agree with "marriage" being given to homosexuals/bisexuals. However, we are all right with allowing civil unions to occur between same sex couples. We may not endorse it, but we do not condemn it (within the institution of government). And we always are supportive of tolerance and respect.

Be a righteous representative of your Lord, and your church, for you are a representative, as you have taken the Lord's name upon you when you were baptized.

Do you think Jesus would treat same-sex couples, or people with homosexual tendencies, any different than he would you, a fellow imperfect soul?

The deeper the pan the better.
Ahhhhh...
Never tried this before, but one spoonful's just not enough
I didn't think I'd like this stuff, but, wow...
Comfort food :)
Like none I've ever tried before.

But, ugh, I've eaten too much
And now my stomach hurts.
I wanna throw up.


Two thoughts:

I know when I don't feel nauseous anymore from eating the flan, I'll just want more flan

But mostly:

Was it really worth it?

So, I've been thinking about the causes I support. And I wanted to write a little bit about them. :) Get the word out, get people informed. So, some quick notes about some of the issues...

In no particular order of importance:


I actually don't have a lot to say about this, but have had friends who have... Be as supportive as you can be, please. It can be hard to catch.










I don't think anybody who doesn't have depression can know what it's like to live with it. It can be as disabling as cancer, in some people, at some times. It is an illness, not a state of mind.








For every person who kills themselves, 90 will have attempted it. Try not to be angry. The person who attempts it, or succeeds, they don't necessarily want to die, as much as they want something in their life to stop. Death can seem like the only end to the pain.







We see so little religious tolerance in our world, our country, and our county. It's okay for people to have different moral views than you have, and it's crucial that you be polite about their beliefs... Wouldn't you want them to be polite about yours?






1 in 3 Utahn women are sexually assaulted. A sexual assault can be as debilitating as rape. Time doesn't make everything heal. It may take twenty or more years of focusing on how to get over the attack, to heal. Be patient with victims/survivors. It isn't your place to decide when they should be "done" with anything.






Though not a healthy coping mechanism, self injury is only a coping mechanism. It is often used as a way to survive difficult times in one's life. A creative survival method, if you will.





Okay, so I considered talking about chastity, but I don't actually know what i'd say about it... "it's good"? Which is kind of a given, so... yeah, Anyway, I hope that helped open somebody's eyes. Most of all, just, if somebody you know is down or dealing with something, try to be as patient as you can. you may be hurting that they're hurting, and that's sad... but I guarantee you that they're hurting too. Sometime the best thing you can do for them is to shut up. Let them know you love them.

1) When I grate cheese blocks, I grate off the edges until the cheese is in the shape of a sphere.

2) I have never dyed my hair

3) I have drag raced

4) I've dumpster dove... dived?

5) I always wanted to be able to read tarot cards.

6) It has been my dream to find a public bathroom with no stalls, just toilets.

7) I HATE to conjugate the verb "drink".

8) One of my favorite things to do is clean toilets

9) When people would call my home asking for my mom and dad, I would hold the receiver to my chest, if the particular parent was standing next to me, and pretend I was "going and getting them". I would wait a few seconds before giving the receiver to the person in question

"What do you like to do?" The hair stylist asked me, and I gave the regular answer. "Well... um, I like to write, read. I like to listen to music." I'd run out of answers, and I didn't feel a particular need to tell her any more. But, as I started thinking about it, I'm a much more complex person than that. And I know it. So why not share it? What came to mind next was these...

I like ...

* to smell flowers
* the tingle I get down my back when the electric razor buzzes the back of my neck
* someone else washing my hair
* admiring old houses (or houses with personality)
* going to local breweries that also serve food
* to laugh
* making others laugh
* to make legitimate political arguments within a debate
* listing I can's, rather than I can'ts
* doing things for close friends
* to feel like I can trust people
* dancing crazily in my room
* to correct both grammatical and style errors in writing
* writing
* liking who I am, and where I am in life
* to stand up for myself, when I deserve it
* to apologize when it is right
* feeling right with a friend, who I was having an argument/fight with
* to play sports with people who don't care about winning... enough to not give me advice on how to play the sport
* it when friends run their fingers through my hair
* getting sweet, gentle kisses on my cheek
* to clean toilets
* learning
* to teach others about interesting subjects, things most people don't know about
* telling other people about Loki, one of the Norse gods
* wearing ties
* to sing tenor with my dad
* writing well-written research papers
* reading informational texts
* riding rodeo on the tile buffer
* people who don't stress when we talk about something deep or emotional
* to blush
* taking pictures of myself when I make odd faces
* to drive long distances
* to speak German
* happy sighing
* doodling
* reading
* singing just for me
* to accept different kinds of people
* to listen to Regina Spektor
* to watch the (vice) presidential debates)
* San Francisco
* to travel
* the east coast
* aceing tests
* not having to weed
* laughing so hard my belly hurts
* playing with my nieces and nephews
* watching classic Disney movies
* taking leaps in life
* proving to myself that I am who I want to be

Why is it that I'm encouraged to look more feminine by growing out my hair, but ... well... when are men encouraged to look more masculine by growing a beard? In other words. Leave me alone. I am happy with who I am, where I am, and what I look like. Are you so intimidated by that, you have to tear it down? Guess what? I like having short hair. I don't need to have make up on to be happy with what I look like. I don't like wearing skirts, but I *love* to wear ties, even ties with vests. :D Got a problem with that? Tell it to someone who cares.

So, I wrote a couple poems/songs. Check them out. Tell me what you think... I'm working on one about the Harmon extended family. but that'll prolly take a while. :)

Anyway, for "Please, Hear My Prayer" and "How Will I Survive the Night"

Please, Hear My Prayer

I'm broken, Lord
Repair my flaws.
I look to you from Satan's jaws.
I know you died and suffered so,
I'd be with you again, I know
That you must love me dearly, Lord
So, please, please hear my prayer.

Lord, I've traveled on this path and I
Don't know the way back to On High
But I know that you love me, Lord
I know that if I follow, Lord
You will hold me in your arms,
And lovingly remind me harm's
Gone, now that I am in your arms.
So, Lord, please hear my prayer.

I look to you with last resort,
I know you're not my last support.
You've stuck with me, through sin and fault,
You were pained so I'd exalt,
And when I'd stuck it in your face,
I lost my soul, I lost my race,
And when I needed most the love
That only comes from God above,
You forgave, Lord. You forgave.
My soul, my soul you came to save!

My Lord, how can I ever thank thee.
My Lord, how can I ever thank thee?
My Lord, how can I ever love thee
With the love thou holdest for me?
My Lord, my Lord. Please hear my prayer.
Please rescue me from this despair!
I need thee, Lord; I love thee, Lord!

So, Lord, please hear my prayer.
Oh, Lord, please hear my prayer.




How Will I Survive the Night?

I'm sipping lyrics slowly so I don't throw up my heart.
I have sutures holding ribs together, so I'm not torn apart.
I used to have dreams where blood was up to my knees,
Where children played in battlefields, and
And no one used the magic words.
I'm swallowed up inside.
Inside this bloody soul.
The scars are splitting,
Marred, and quitting.
I'm submitting.
Unremitting

Anything to get me out of here!

I spit up gobs of bloody soul, sip a 7 up now
Stalin's speaking to my head, Hitler, Mussolini, Mao.
I dance in the streets, singing Regina Spektor and specters
Haunt the bedroom lamps and I
Once drank a druid under the table
On my way to Aceldama.
Where I'll be vacating.
Bare debating,
I'm negating
Infiltrating.

Where do I expect to go,
Traveling the broken road?
I knew that I would end up here,
So why didn't I stop from fear?

I'm spitting up my soul tonight,
How will I survive the night?

How will I survive the night?

So... not a very original title (Green Day sang a song called "When September Ends") but very fitting, nonetheless.

It all started on a stormy night, or during a sunny midday. Whichever you prefer. I came to an intersection, but I didn't have a stop, so I continued on... until I hit the guy who decided the stop sign didn't apply to him. I wrecked my car, but didn't leave a dent. (i hit his elevated, humongo tire) We exchanged info, and I drove back home. During the crash, I'd hit my head on the edge of the visor. I had work the next morning at my new job... where they assigned me a different job than they'd interviewed (or than i had applied) for. However, due to the head injury, I didn't wake up until well after work had begun! Augh! I called and explained, and the encouraged me to get plenty of rest. The next day I went in, but was very light-headed, nauseous, and headachey. The wreck was September 3rd. I traveled down to Price that weekend for Labor day, feeling fine by the time I had to take the drive. I had a great time, but I had a tough time getting my body to be able to travel the entire way back up the canyon. So... I talked with my boss, and we decided that this was not the job for me-- for a few reasons. 1) I'd been a blechy employee the past several days. 2) i couldn't care for the autistic kid the in the way he needed, 3) They needed to find someone who could do what they needed for Eric, 4) They'd cheated me into this job.

So, I was out of a job... But no big deal. I'll call Canyon View, they'll hire me right now. And so I did, and I became a janitor. The coming Friday, I was getting my wisdom teeth out. That weekend was very drowsy and painful. The pain pills they gave me were making me throw up, which was re-opening the wounds at the back of my mouth. Eventually, I got on another pain meds, Philegren, Phenegran, or something like that, and they totally knocked me out. Totally! I was dooowwwn. The pain was, aherm, a pain. And... needless to say, with all this... I missed another three days at work, and had to leave early on the next Thursday. The next Monday, I lost my job. They needed someone more dependent. ...Really, I am a good employee. Just bad luck this month.

Oh, speaking of which. I already talked about Gregory, my friend... My name is the Lorax, I speak for the trees? Off and on mourning. Please be understanding. Gregory was my friend. I loved to speak to him. There was something about his personality that let me be comfortable with who I was. Because he loved me for exactly who I was.

But, really, this time, speaking of bad luck: I got pulled over going 38 in a 25. 13... bad idea. but not 16? Idk, anyway, I got pulled over, and got a warning on the speeding, but when the policeman ran my driver's license through the system, it came back denied, due to "undocumented medical reasons." I was like, "wth?!" I had no idea, but, as I began to drive away, I realized, "daaaang.... it's those psychiatric medicines i'm taking." The DMV had sent a paper saying "fill out everything you can about your Zoloft intake" and I... okay, so this was really stupid, but, I decided that this was optional. So, I never sent it in. :P And, now I have a 100 dollar fine. But, even better, I don't have the money (yet) and so I can't pay it off, and until it is paid off, I will (as of Oct 13th) have a warrant out for my arrest. Wow. This is so grandy, I love it.

So, remember when I got hit? Or, actually, I hit a car, but it was his fault? Yeah, this guy decided that he didn't want to pay, so the ins. number he gave me was his ex-wife's. Who doesn't have contact with him. (Can you see why?) So, nobody can contact him, not her insurance, not my insurance, not us (he won't answer the phone numero he gave) and so, these are the options... so far

1) Find him.
2) Sell car to dump, use that money to pay off debt on car, continue to pay off remaining debt on car.
3) Repair car ourselves. which would be expensive
4) Don't repair it. Car doesn't pass coming inspection.

I vote for #1. ? Any opposition?

Okay, and let's set the record straight. Kellie and I are *not* together. We are only really, really, really, really, really close. Okay? Yes, we call each other honey. I call my cat "honey", and "babe", and "love", but that doesn't make bestial. So leave it alone. Get it? Got it? Good!!

I've been going to church, but for the past year I've had extreme difficulties with anxiety, for reasons left unsaid, and being at church. I've been working with my bishopric to figure out what I can do, what they can do, and all. I go, and I do what I can. So, y'know what? I know you're concerned that I'm not attending all my meetings, but there is a part of me that is not yet ready. Leave. Me. Alone. I am trying. It is between me and the Lord, and I know that you love me, and I know that you want the best for me, and I know that you don't want me to fall into Satan's clutches, and I know you're not sure to believe me when I say "I'm doing all that I can do" but I think, as the bishop is happy with my attendance, it is none of your business to be offended or bothered that I don't stay the entire block. Guess what? I don't appreciate it when you post a note on Facebook talking about how you have been bothered that I'm not going to church, when it was you I sacrificed for to stay with you during relief society. Did you lie to me so that you could get me to stay, so I could fit into your idea of what I have to be doing right now? Why did you tell me you needed someone to sit by, and then, when I do, say publicly that it bugs you I'm not coming? I wasn't doing okay that Sunday, and I stayed for you, and only you. Because I wanted to be the friend I want you to be for me. And you wonder why I'm mad at you? See if I stay because you "need me" again. If I'm having trouble... well, the hell to you. You really, really hurt me. I am trying. Now, leave me alone.

Okay... now that I've ranted to those that 1) have a problem with the the idea that Kellie and I, and our friendship, do not fit social norms, and 2) that I am not at church for the whole dang time. Now that I've done that, I just want to say how happy I am that it is October. The past several days, life's been catching up to me. I feel... sick all the time, and miserable most of the time. I'm throwing up, I'm shaking, I'm weak, I'm .... I'm so tired. I've been productive, I've been with family, with friends, but... :P

Kay. One amazing thing about September. I love, love, love, love, love, love having Kevin, Kaylene, and the three boys here. Can you guys stay? Please? I love you guys. it is so good to see my brother, my sister, and my nephews. I love them. :)

Okay. That's a happy note, right?

Today is International Hug a Vegetarian Day. Remember to do so!

Reading is a great past-time. There's a lot that can be accomplished from sitting down and reading a book, being introduced to a new way of thinking, taking into account that there are different lifestyles, theories, and amounts of knowledge, some of which we may choose to accept, and others we may not. Anyway, in my humble opinion, here are the top ten (from the books I've read, obviously) books everyone ought to read in their lifetime.


10. Secrets by Blaine Yorgason & Sunny Oaks
I became very interested in reading every book available to me, that had to do with abuse, a few years ago while in high school. I've read 100+ books that dealt with abuse, and, y'know, most were okay, some were good, a few were excellent, and even fewer were spectacular. This book deals with abuse within the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You follow a growing bishop, whose ward, he is coming to find, is saturated in abuse. The principles taught in this work of fiction are accurate. I've talked with several people in small, casual group discussions, and the majority of those I've talked to have skewed perceptions of abuse, abusers, and the abused. This book helps clear up a lot of questions, and does it through an accurate, God-guided view of the Lord's gospel.


9. The Giver by Lois Lowry
I'm always wondering whether Thomas More would like this book or not. This book is about a Utopian community gone too far. The citizens of the town are basically mindless humans who have their decisions made for them, down to verbatim apologies. One of the positions of the community is The Giver. The Giver maintains all the painful and joyful memories so the regular citizens don't have to-- to allow them to maintain an emotional homeostasis. So... what do you think of the idea? People seem to be able to function better. They don't feel emotion, but they function. Do you think we do that today anyway? I never seem to be able to settle the argument in my mind concerning whether or not Lois Lowry thinks we're already stuck in this society.



8. All Quiet On the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque
Oh. Wow. Okay, so there's a reason that this is so low on the top ten. This book wasn't written.... well. It's very monotonous, until they begin to get into the bloody sunsets of war. Hypnotic at times. It definitely shows us that any soldier in any war is not necessarily the blood-thirsty wretch, in the field because of some sadistic tendency.


7. Transforming a Rape Culture by Marth Roth
This is a beautiful book. It's an anthology of essays, some on how our acceptance of rape is portrayed, some on what we're doing to help that, others that discuss certain aspects of rapes. With all the books I've read, this one was an especially informative, statistically, emotionally, and socially.


6. The Lucifer Effect by Philip Zimbardo
This is an account and explanation of the meaning of the Stanford Prison Experiments, performed in the 70s. Zimbardo seeks to answer the question "Why do good people do bad things?" He discusses situational force, and how we can fight it. Fight the bystander effect! Fight situational force! Fight Mob Mentality!


5. The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom
A touching book about forgiveness. This is a nonfiction piece Miss Ten Boom wrote about her experiences being held by the Nazis with her sister in a concentration camp. Definitely a book to read if you're seeking to understand God's love for His children, and where personal forgiveness fits into that.


4. How to Say It Best: How to Say It Best / How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say by Robbie Miller Kaplan
I hate getting advice, because most of it is crappy. I've gotten a lot of advice, and a lot of it has to go straight to the garbage, even though it was well-meant. I really think people should watch what they say, and this book really explains what to say to people under emotional distress, in all kinds of situations, including words, questions, phrases, etc to avoid.


3. Oh, the Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss
It'd be awesome if we all had a little more self-confidence and self-esteem. This children's book lets us all know, that no matter where we are right now, we can get somewhere... from here.


2. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
Oh, wow! I love this book! It really opens up a lot of questions for me, about societal expectations, censorship, government involvement, and personal responsibilities in our community. He makes a lot of good points. And in the words of Ray Bradbury himself, "There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them."


1. Ishmael by Daniel Quinn
Where did we come from? What do we believe? Ishmael nudges you through a headache of a journey. But when the headache is relieved, your mind is opened to further light and knowledge, including your personal relationship with your Mother Earth, your past, your future, and your God.


☼ Stargirl Series by Jerry Spinelli
Okay, so I know that this is cheating, kind of. But this tops them all. If you never read another book after this one, at least you will have read Stargirl and Love, Stargirl. Stargirl opens your eyes to true joy, involvement and individuality. She is the epitome of truth. It may not seem like she's real, but, oh, she's human enough. She simply doesn't follow the same rules of life we've accepted as acceptable. Reading this book will change your life, open your eyes, and reveal your heart.


So, now that you know what books you've been missing out on... Read!

Hey, so I found these poems on the internet, and I wanted a second opinion. I think I like them, but I wanted to know what y'all thought. Thank you! PLEASE critique! Oh, and neither had titles. Sorry. Couldn't find them.




To walk in beauty,
to behold a raging sky-storm
To play upon a sailing plateau aboard a rusting land.

What is childhood?
To feel the wind, and let it take your soul.
To read the Ceiba tops.
And die atop the world.
What is the soul? And what is humanity?

To consume
every drop
of nature.

All around.

To see the Earth
fill your dreams-
and live always
and never deaden.

What is truth? What is true existence?

To run wild
Never ceasing
And always
Always
What is living?

Pray for life, for the Earth's death.
For breath.
Pray for air and sweeping dreams.
As long as you keep scheming,
you'll never slumber-sleep.







(the second poem...)


Cotton tufts of Heaven Downy
'Stuff my eyes with wonder'
Enthralling
More real than the reality we imagined-
How do we comprehend what we cannot create or predict?

Secret places, so it seems
Seen by only me
Reverence
Homage to my Mother Earth
Contained in this bursting vessel

All these wondrous things
Where do I put these little bits of delight?
Where do all the colors, dirt, smells, flow, rifts, spirits, trees, winds-
Go?

To respect their holiness
I search for a place to hold their wonder
As a light, as a strength
As a creation myself.


But what wonders can be held, and where?
Heart, mind, soul?
Blow, oh wind
Speak, oh trees
Grow in me.


And give me a place to keep you.

So, I figured out today that I could text my cell pics to Dad's work BlackBerry, where he could email them to the computer. Ahha! moment (aherm, Kohlberg). ;) heehee. So, yeeeh, There's a lot of fun pictures in here, and you should totally flip through them!

Step 1: Music player on shuffle.
Step 2: First line from the first 25 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Strike through the songs when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING!
Step 5: If you like the game, post your own!

So guess the songs and their artists... good luck guys! :D
*confession* Okay so this is only the songs I've gotten from Youtube. Good luck! Oh, and I left out a couple songs out cuz they're not songs... they were clips. :) Oh, and I left out all the German songs. Wanted to make this as fair as possible.


1. She loved him like he was the last man on earth

2. Don't be shy, just let your feelings roll on by

3. Coming out of my cage, and I've been doing just fine

4. Oh, Mickey, you're so fine

5. We're talking away, I don't know what I'm to say

6. But it isn't my fault, I was given those beans

7. I'm through with standing in line to clubs I'll never get in

8. Take a look at my girlfriend

9. I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.

10. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.

11. Some go down; I'm just getting up.

12. Gentlemen, our benefactor on this Christmas day...

13. Mr. Mayor, the mission burns

14. How I wish you could see the potential

15. People are strange, when you're a stranger

16. I'll take you home if you don't leave me at the front door

17. We're clearly soldiers in petty coats!

18. Oh say can you see by the dawn's early light

19. I can show you the world

20. With hurricanes, and terrorists, it's been hard to just get by

21. Everyday when you're walking down the street, everybody that you meet, has an original point of view

22. Look at me, busy as a bee

23. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape

24. Got a secret; can you keep it?

25. A long, long time ago, I can still remember how the music used to make me smile

Remember that this is Saturday Night Live, so there is a little bit of vulgarity. Other than this, I found this to be a very funny, somewhat accurate depiction of the race. :) Enjoy.

Zack- What Santa is supposed to do is clearly impossible.
Hodgins- He keeps a list. Checks it twice. What's the big deal?
Zack- If you take into account all believers of the myth, factor in time zone rotation over the earth, and assume Santa travels east to west, he would have to make approximately 822.6 visits per second to reach every child.
Hodgins- So Santa parks his sleigh, unloads presents, fills stockings, eats snacks, gets back into his sleigh, and onto the next house in about one-one-thousandth of a second?
Zack- Children have to be stupid to accept that---
Cam- ---Okay! First of all, children are not stupid; they're just children. Second, Santa is magic.

Season 3 Episode 9

"I've been doing a little bit of... i guess you would call it, soul searching online- yeah, i know, that's the place you do it- and I figured, why not start with something everybody's been ranting and raving about: Christiaaanity! So I did, and I was looking up something online about it, and basically, what they said Christianity was, tell me if I'm wrong, but the gist of it was: You are worshiping a cosmic Jewish zombie, who is his own father, who can give you eternal life, if you symbolically eat his blood and flesh and, um, telepathically tell him that he is your master, and if you do that, he will remove this evil spirit that is deep within your soul that everybody in humanity has within them, because this naked woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat the fruit off a magical tree... or something like that... so... i don't think Christianity is for me.

~~ Tyler Oakley"

"I've been doing a little bit of... i guess you would call it, soul searching online- yeah, i know, that's the place you do it- and I figured, why not start with something everybody's been ranting and raving about: Christiaaanity! So I did, and I was looking up something online about it, and basically, what they said Christianity was, tell me if I'm wrong, but the gist of it was: You are worshiping a cosmic Jewish zombie, who is his own father, who can give you eternal life, if you symbolically eat his blood and flesh and, um, telepathically tell him that he is your master, and if you do that, he will remove this evil spirit that is deep within your soul that everybody in humanity has within them, because this naked woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat the fruit off a magical tree... or something like that... so... i don't think Christianity is for me."

- Tyler Oakley

Two years ago today I got a very special letter... I'll probably talk about it more in a later post, once I've organized my thoughts.

What a week this has been. Well, more precisely, a week and a half. Last Wednesday, I started a new job at Lone Peak High School. On the way home from work, a guy ran a stop sign, and I t-boned him because of it. I (stupidly) was not wearing my seat belt at the time, so I launched forward and cracked my head on the corner of the sun visor. I missed the next two days of work. I was having headaches, I was very emotional, and I didn't feel ready to go back to work. I was frustrated because I had interviewed to be a parking tracker. (They help boot and ticket cars that are parked illegally) Instead, when I got there, they asked if I would feel comfortable following Eric, a highly-functioning autistic tenth grader, to all of his classes, and making sure he spent his time productively... K. Not fair. I didn't even interview for that job. In the interview, I said I would be willing to *take him from one class to another*, not be responsible for his work ethic. I've never done anything like this before! I've never had a job where someone was depending on me so heavily! I was reluctant for the job, but I wanted to give them the best impression possible of me, and so I said I'd love to do that, and that I'd be totally comfortable. I figured that if I were to start, I'd get used to the job. I mean, everybody's first day of any job sucks, right?
That weekend was labor day weekend, so I was supposed to drive down to Kellie's in Price. The drive down that Sunday was fine. It was beautiful, easy, and exciting. I was going to see Kellie!! My time there was amazing. I can't describe how much I love Kellie. We didn't do much; I mean, what is there to do in Price? But we got some things in: taking a walk looking at all the old houses, eating at the local bakery, and almost mistaking a freeway offramp for a regular side street. Most of all, however, I just enjoyed my time being near my kindred spirit. I could really go off on a tangent here about how much I love my friend, but that's not what this post is supposed to be about. Another time.
Soooo... i have this thing where I have a hard time sometimes staying awake while I drive. And so I've gotten used to listening to my body, asking whether or not it's safe for me to drive. So, here it is Monday afternoon, and I'm so happy to be with Kellie, that I lose track of responsibility. The later it gets, the longer I am forgetting that I have this sleeping/driving problem. Finally, I'm walking to my car, and I realize that if I start driving, I am not going to be making it to Utah County in one piece. I inform Kellie I'll be sleeping in my car, but she'll hear none of that, so I sleep with her again, in anticipation of my leaving for work early the next morning.
It's the next morning. Tuesday, and I'm finally starting to form in my brain how much I hate this job, how unfair it was that they stuck me in this position. To top it all off, I got, maybe, an hour sleep that night. I'd been laying in bed unable to sleep for most of the night. Kellie and I talk for a while, she reminds me that it IS unfair what they've done, and that I should talk with them about it. So, with a strong heart, I leave for American Fork again. I get about a third through the canyon, and I realize, I can't make it all the way home... Reluctantly, I leave a message on Rex's (my boss) answering machine, and turn back around for Price. I barely make it there, take some sleeping pills, and sleep for several hours. Once more, I'm refreshed, but I decide to shirk my responsibilities, since I'm sure I'll be able to easily make it back to American Fork that afternoon.
Surprise. I wasn't able to drive AGAIN. I felt like a complete failure. Kellie was mad because I wanted to sleep in the car, so as to not be a burden. It was a tough night, but I eventually lightened up enough, and we made the most of a yucky situation. That night we were getting ready for bed, and I felt very nauseous. I've been throwing up a lot more lately, because my body decided that regurgitating was an appropriate response to emotional overload. Actually, hasha, I almost threw up a couple times because I was so overwhelmingly happy. Not cool. I hate throwing up. Almost, almost more than I hate weeding.
Next morning, I slept through my alarm so I ended up without a job. Rex and I eventually talked, and he encouraged me to explain why I wanted the job. I explained that I loved the environment, but that, for Eric's sake, they should hire someone who could better fit up to what Eric needed. So, I was without a job. But that was okay, since there's a place in Orem I used to work that was in love with me, and accepted me back in a heartbeat. I'm back to janitorial. Which is great. I love cleaning toilets. (not joking)
So, I got back to American Fork and had begun to work. Things could only get better from there, right? ... Um, not yet.
Since I was 12 or so, I've been raising a tree that's been growing on the north side of my house. His name is Gregory, and I would have conversations with him, tell him how beautiful he was, tell him about how my day had gone, and just sit and talk with him. I felt a very special connection to him, and I thought of him as my friend. If you don't understand this, don't worry about it. (just don't tell me) I loved Gregory deeply. Thursday, I was walking around the side of the house, and realized Gregory wasn't there anymore. I found out later that my dad had cut it down, to make it easier to mow that area. I was mad. I was hurt. I was anguished. I was sorry. I was grieving. My friend was dead.
I hadn't had the best week, but nothing had been able to entirely set off my emotions like losing Gregory. My friend.
So, my friend is dead. Part of me feels numb still, not wanting to think about how important he was to me, because I love him so much, and it hurts that he's gone.
Later that day, I got pulled over for going 12 over the speed limit. I got a warning on the speeding, but when the policeman scanned my driver's license, he found that it'd been rejected because of some medical problems. I had no idea what he was talking about, but as I drove away, I realized they were talking about the psychiatric anti-depressants I take. Dangit. Dangit, dangit, dangit.
As if it could get better, I got all four wisdom teeth pulled Friday at 7 in the morning. I reacted better than expected to the anesthetics, but I was throwing up everything, including all the liquids I was slowly sipping. When I'd throw up, it would tear open the wounds in my mouth again, and I'd start spitting or swallowing large gobs of blood. Yuck. But I have an anti-nausea medicine to correct the side effects of the anti-pain pill. And now I'm feeling pretty spectacular in this regard.

It hasn't been a fun weekend, or week, in many ways, but y'know. Things do get better. It kind of sucked, but things are gonna be okay.

Bones is a television show based off of the life of Kathy Reichs. It follows a forensic anthropologist, Temperance "Bones" Brennan, and her partner, an FBI agent, Special Agent Seeley Booth, as they solve murder mysteries. I find the series fascinating, entertaining, and educational.

In the third season, episode three, they have to investigate a murder that involves a sexual dominatrix fetish, following the pony-role-playing fetish. Booth is a dedicated Catholic who believes in God and Bones is an atheist who looks at everything from an anthropological standpoint. Conflicts arise between the partners in this episode as Booth tries to explain why these sexual situations are wrong, and as Bones confronts him for being so judgmental.

I found a couple quotes from this episode that I really appreciated: the first for its humor, the second for its depth. So, with no further commendation unto God, let us recite!

"Why are you being so judgmental?"- Bones
"When you turn someone into an object of sexual pleasure, it's Wrong!"- Booth
"How do you know that?"- Bones
"'Says in the Bible."- Booth
"Does NOT."- Bones
"Then it got left out by mistake."- Booth

"I lost my appetite because you made me think of all those people, parading around, pretending to be something they aren't, just so they can have crappy sex."- Booth
"How do you know it was crappy?"- Bones
"Gotta be, Bones. C'mon, it's gotta be!"- Booth
"Why?!"- Bones
"Why? I'll tell you why: here we are, all of us, we're basically alone. Separate creatures all circling each other, all searching for that slightest hint of a real connection. Some look in the wrong places. Some just give up hope because in their mind they're thinking 'Oh, there's nobody out there for me'. But all of us, we keep trying. Over and over again. Why? Because every once in a while, every once in a while, two people meet, and there's that spark, and, yes, Bones. He's handsome. And she's beautiful, and maybe that's all they see at first. But making love? Making. Love. That's when two people become one."- Booth
"...It is scientifically impossible for two objects to occupy the same space."- Bones
"Yeah, but what's important is that we try. And when we do it right, we get close."- Booth
"To what? Breaking the laws of physics?"- Bones
"Yeah, Bones. A miracle... Those people, role-playing, parading around, with their sex games and fetishes... That's crappy sex... at least compared to the real thing."- Booth

The way Booth says this last quote really is very sweet, very sincere, and very religious. I'd recommend watching the clip. The link will take you to part two of the episode. If you take the time marker and move it to the end, 19:23 minutes into the clip, you will be able to watch Booth explain this principle to Bones. I would most certainly recommend it.

Nehrerism: acting upon the belief that it is more justifiable to go against your superiors, sticking up for a forgotten need of those looked over, than to go with what your leaders tell you to do, simply because they are your leaders.

Yeah, that's pretty confusing, but, hey, have you read the dictionary lately? We're comparing "Baptists at Our Barbeque" to the "Allegory of the Cave." I know I already posted this, but i just wanted to start using this phrase and i wanted to remind.

When applying at the end of my sophomore year to take mythology, I was only a little apprehensive at the adventure I could be in for. Sure, I'd studied parts of mythology from Disney's "Hercules", and a short fraction of my eighth grade year dedicated to such a study, so how hard could it be? Months later, class schedules were sent in the mail to eager students. As usual, I emailed my schedule out to many friends, interested in possible course similarities. Almost immediately, emails began to pour in. "Mrs. Nehrer? Man, I am so sorry you've got her." "You've got Mrs. Nehrer? Yeesh!"
The class came quickly, and before I knew it, I was sitting in her class, waiting as she took roll. Smiling sincerely, and struggling to read the paper in front of her, she called out each name. Finally, with an inward sigh of excitement, she set the clipboard down, and introduced herself. "Hello, humans!" The day was full of Kohlberg's theory of moral development, and the emphasis on births and deaths in life and in society. Contrary to what I had heard, I was enjoying the class, even if Mrs. Nehrer seemed a little queer in her habits.
Two days passed, and I entered her classroom once again. The board still held signs of the previous lesson, but I was sure that, though elderly, she surely wouldn't be teaching the same lesson again. Unfortunately, soon into the period I realized why what I was hearing sounded so familiar. She had taught us the same thing last time. But delving into Kohlberg isn't that boring, so I still found a bit of enjoyment in the discussion.
The third day in her class, and she had not yet erased her notes. "No," I thought, "No one would teach the same lesson three times in a row." It seems the term "no one" does not apply to Mrs. Nehrer. Settling on an ageist theory, I decided it must be due to her unnaturally old age for the average teacher. "Her brain must not remember things like that 'cause she's just a little too old for this job", I explained to myself, simultaneously pleading to the heavens that she wouldn't teach the lesson again.
The next lesson came, and, throughout the semester, we moved onto Oedipus, Antigone, and Prometheus. I allowed myself the freedom of gaining a new perspective, not only from, but of, Mrs. Nehrer. From the beginning, she saw each student as an individual, and wanted to treat them, and trust them, from what she had seen in her class, instead of what she had heard from fellow teachers.
I spoke with Mrs. Nehrer in the hall once. Somehow the topic of the overly-crowded hallways came up. When I was just about to open my mouth and selfishly worry about any tardies that I might get, resulting from the crowd, she sincerely told me that she worried that such a crowd may make it easy to lose one's identity and individuality. While I saw the crowd and saw problems, she saw the crowd and saw people.
Mrs. Nehrer says "Hello, humans", and "Humans, please listen", and other such phrases. I've heard many students make fun of that, or express their frustration with it. I agreed with them, until I understood why she said that. Mrs. Nehrer puts a heavy weight in her lessons on the importance of the individual, and the need to respect others as human beings. When she calls her students "humans", she isn't recognizing their species; she is recognizing their right to be respected as a human being. Now, if you choose not to show her the respect she deserves as your teacher, it makes it harder for her to display her respect for you.
When Sierra Woodward committed suicide last year, Mrs. Nehrer, knowingly against the wishes of the school board, spoke, and led a discussion with my class about the suicide, why the school board would ask the administration to be quiet about it, and how terribly wrong that was. Mrs. Nehrer gave herself the freedom to be upset about the way teachers or administration ran the school, but each time she was vocally upset, it was because she felt the students had been cheated out of something. She has a strong sense of what is right, and what is wrong. If it had been you who had died, and your death that had been quieted, she would be the teacher talking about it.
You may hold no respect for Mrs. Nehrer because she has lost your papers, or because she refers to you as a "human". Or maybe you just don't like the way she scratches her head with her pen. Perhaps it bothers you that she can become so excited about something she'll spend half of the lesson on it. Whatever measurement of respect you hold for Mrs. Nehrer, I know she holds a respect for you. Now, whether or not you deserve that respect is the question. So, who is this an evaluation of- Mrs. Nehrer, or her disgruntled students?

I find a woman's face weathered from numerous storms in life to be beautiful. No matter what her age, just like the beauty of grains on wood that deepens with passage of time, beauty that has endured hardships shines with a distinctive splendor.

When one sees a woman for what she really is, free of decoration or cosmetics, I believe her life in all its naturalness, and her true, indestructible beauty emerges. But what is this elusive quality called beauty?

In ancient Chinese literature the so-called beautiful woman looks thin and fragile. Her feet are tiny, because they have been bound, and she looks frail, almost sickly. That seems to have been the preference at a certain time. But later, in the T'ang dynasty, an ideal woman was someone voluptuous and healthy-looking. Even today, many cultures consider plump women to be beautiful and young women are strongly encouraged to eat well. This may sound incredible to women who live in societies where tall and thin models set the trend for what is considered beautiful.

In my country, Japan, too, the definition of beauty seems to vary according to the times. Beautiful women who were portrayed in wood-block prints during the Edo period had long faces, thin eyes and large, protruding chins. But, after the Second World War, women who were quite buxom were suddenly considered attractive. This makes me question how there can be such different standards in society concerning women's beauty.

Women tend to find themselves caught in a trap that makes them eager to fit themselves in the mold of "the beautiful woman"—a standard set by the social trends of the time.

The purpose of this endless pursuit, and who it is for, are often forgotten. Perhaps, in the end, the pursuit of beauty is actually for yourself, so that you can feel good when you look at yourself in the mirror. If the purpose of beauty is to be attractive to others, then, I would honestly recommend that this time and energy be spent on polishing and cultivating your inner self; your character, as I think that would be much more effective in serving your purpose.

Whether it be your boyfriend, husband, or friends...why are they attracted to you? I am sure it's not only because of your looks but because of who you are, what they find in you, the beauty of your mind and your personality. No matter how pretty a woman is, if her attraction is only in her physical looks, I don't think the appeal will last, but rather fade away with time. True, lasting attraction to another human being comes from an inner beauty and confidence that shine from within.

I once heard a story from a woman who had gone to her twentieth high school reunion. She made an astonishing discovery. Most of the women who had been beauties in their youth looked rather dull, while many of those who had been plain now shone with an inner beauty. As she talked to these friends from many years back, she realized that some of those who had been beautiful had not had to make much effort to attract attention, and this rather self-satisfied attitude had stayed with them through the years, while the more plain-looking women had clearly been working to develop themselves and had become truly attractive as human beings.

For me a woman's true beauty lies not in her appearance, but deep within her heart. A woman who makes all-out efforts and who exerts herself wholeheartedly in her field is beautiful; she really shines. She looks sharp and focused and full of confidence. This kind of radiance will always outshine for me any external beauty related to what a woman is wearing. In fact those who are aware of their inner beauty don't need to seek borrowed beauty from outside. And, sadly, those who care only for their physical appearance are often spiritually impoverished and trying to conceal that lack with exterior trappings.

We all long for things of beauty-beauty of nature, of appearance, of life, a beautiful family and so on. But these cannot be gained if we are withdrawn and isolated, just looking at ourselves. We must create better relationships with other people and interact with our community and society with an open heart. We must be kind to nature. It is only through this process that we really grow and cultivate our own beauty.

A woman who can praise, appreciate and wholeheartedly respect those around her is more beautiful than another who is constantly criticizing others. In the same way, someone who can find joy and excitement of her own in her daily life, or even in nature and the changes of the seasons, has the warmth and brightness that can give a sense of peace and comfort to others. Being an expert in discovering beauty makes one beautiful.

The famous sculptor Rodin once said that beauty is not found in one woman but in every woman. And he identified the source that lights up this beauty as the "flame in one's inner life." The flame of a pure heart, the flame of compassion, the flame of hope, and the flame of courage. These flames are the source of light which enable women to shine with beauty.

It is said that "A woman's beauty shines with age." I find so much wisdom in these words. People normally connect beauty and youth, and cannot link the word "beautiful woman" with "older woman." A young woman in her teens is indeed beautiful, but there is a different kind of beauty that is found in women in their 30s, 50s, even 70s. When we seek beauty inside a person, we will realize that a truly beautiful woman is a person whose inner beauty continues to deepen and be cultivated with time.

Buddhism teaches that your physical appearance is a reflection of your inner self. Hence, a truly beautiful woman knows who she is and what her strengths are and is happy and confident to be true to herself.

Today we live in an age where commercialism determines what is "beautiful," but please remember that you cannot find true beauty in these fashionable trends. Beauty cannot be bought with money either. Many insecure young women tend to become confused by such messages sent out by the mass producers of today's society, but I feel that appreciating and realizing your own beauty means establishing a secure and robust inner self that will not be swayed by outer circumstances.

Every woman can be beautiful. It all begins by believing in your own beauty.

Above is the short essay "On Woman's Beauty" by Daisaku Ikeda. Just off the top of my head, some women in my life I find beautiful:

Bethany Maddox, my sister, who is generous, funny, and devoted to the Lord;
Kellie Henderson, my sister, who is good-hearted, a Friend, empathetic, and aware;
Peggy Steele, my mom, who is hard working, dedicated, and smart, and who comforted me when I was sad and young by singing "Heavenly Father Loves Me";
Caitlin Stay, my sister, who strives to see the best in everyone, and who is creative, and can laugh at herself;
Afton Steele, my sister, who is so loving, she's practically saturated in it, who is patient, and forgiving;
Sara Steele, my sister, who is humorous, observant, and gentle;
Kaylene Steele, my sister, who is a mother, and who is willing to live the life she finds most meaningful, even if it doesn't follow what the people around her believe to be the "right way to go about life";
Valene Fugal, my friend, who is patient, intelligent, and intrigued;
Grace Thomas, my cousin, but practically both a friend and sister, who is amiable, responsible, and caring;
Betty Powell, my friend, who is tender, emotive, and empathetic;
Amber Dean, my sister, who is compassionate, strong, and accepting;
Julie Garner, my sister, who is resilient, religious, and sensible


Name a woman or two that you've observed in your life who strikes you as beautiful, and a reason or two why you feel that way.

I got a call this morning asking me to work at Canyon View Junior High as a lunch lady, which I totally would have taken had I not gotten the other call just before.

I am officially an office assistant and a tracker at Lone Peak High School. This entails mostly enforcing the parking rules, negotiating on the rules with, aherm, unruly parents and students. It also entails possibly working with an autistic student, who is neither extreme nor violent; he's just "a little odd". I'm really nervous but really excited at the same time! I've never had professional experience with most of the stuff I'll be doing, in the work place. However, I have good people/public, computer, diplomatic skills. I know it will get rude sometimes. (or so i've been told) I mean, that the parents can get really rude, but, hey, I can stick up for myself and the rules. I can be firm, and kind to the rude public. Not like I hadn't done that all through my telemarketing job.

So, they're kind of working out a lot of things, like the time schedule, and my specific jobs, but they're gonna have me come in at 7:30, and then, it's a 6 hour job.... i wonder if i get to eat school yunch. (heehee, that'd be cool) Yep, Monday through Friday, so a 30ish hour week, which isn't full time, but it's better than my other option: 20 hour week/30 hour week, but both mean spending 200 bucks every month on gas. HaHA! Suckers! I'm MUCH closer to Lone Peak, than I am Canyon View, so, that's an awesome! A Greaty! Yayzy!

I've been thinking about you; I called your phone, even though I knew the number was out of service. It's been a while, but I heard this song on the radio, and I hoped I could think of you in that way, to make everything easier. This is for you, Ben.


Better As a Memory, Than As Your Man

I move on like a sinners prayer
I let 'em go like a levee breaks
walk away as if I don't care
learn to shoulder my mistakes
I'm built to fade like your favorite song
get reckless when there's no need
laugh as your stories ramble on
break my heart but it won't bleed
my only friends are pirates, it's just who I am
I'm better as a memory than as your man.

I'm never sure when the truth won't do
I'm pretty good on a lonely night
I move on the way a storm blows through
I never stay, but then again, I might
I struggle sometimes to find the words
always sure until I doubt
walk a line until it blurs
build walls too high to climb out
but I'm honest to a fault, it's just who I am
I'm better as a memory than as your man

I see you leanin', you're bound to fall
I don't wanna be that mistake
I'm just a dreamer, n' nothing more
you should know it before it gets too late

cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel
you never know where they're gonna land
first you're spinning, then you're standing still
left holding a losin' hand
one day you're gonna find someone
right away, you'll know it's true
that all of your seeking is done
Its just a part of the passing through
right there in that moment
you'll finally understand
that I was better as a memory than as your man
better as a memory than as your man

Hahahaha! On Sunday, Omaei and Kalani, two of my nieces, came with their mom to have dinner. As we drove to Grandma Peggy's house, I talked with Omaei and Kalani and showed them a couple pictures on my phone, one of which was the sketch I did of Kellie and me. Omaei says, "Who drew this?"

"I did."

"Oh. Why did you draw yourself like a boy?" HAHA! I did draw myself with very masculine qualities. But she certainly is both very sharp, and very unfiltered. One of the things I love about Omaei. Actually, one time when Kellie was over at my house, she met Omaei. Kellie's not fat in the least, but any fat she does have tends to concentrate to her tummy area, and Omaei noticed, and asked "Do you have a baby in your tummy?" Sad! Poor Kellie!

Omaei is a doll. She's 5 now, but she has the brains and the attitude of a 10 year old. :)

Does that last post make me sound gay? Don't read too much into that. We're just good friends... Cheeso.

I dropped off my best friend at the College of Eastern Utah this week, for the beginning of her sophomore year. We both miss each other a lot, but we'll be okay. Kellie's really something else though. She's funny, witty, brilliant, patient, empathetic, kind, intelligent, trustworthy, and emotionally reliable. She says I'm a good friend too, and I guess, it takes one to know one, right? Must be. I don't know for sure, I mean, I couldn't say so for myself. She's back in school, and nervous about a lot of things, and I just want to do everything I can to be there for her because I love her more than anything else and want the best for her! I really love her.

I love talking with animals. Vincent is an amazing little buddy of mine-- a spider, which I never thought I'd call a buddy. And I like talking to my cat, and I just talked with a grasshopper. Yay. I've stopped squishing ants. Ahh, the changes Ennis has put me through. :)

I have a friend who wrote ten beliefs she has that often counters mantras she hears. I thought they were very interesting. Read through them, and tell me what you think.

So ever sit around thinking? I do that alot and I've been thinking about life's greatest maxims. And how I disagree with them. So, here is my advice for life. Just as I've been thinking about it in the past half hour.

10. Don't dance around in the rain without a coat on just to feel cool. It's bad for your health. At least carry an umbrella with you. Better to be healthy than feel cool for five minutes. ;)

9. Don't dance around like nobody's watching. Dance around as if you were surrounded by your best friends...even if you aren't. ;)

8. The people who don't like you really do matter. They're the ones who remind you of your imperfections. Rather than completely turn from them, appreciate them for not idolizing you all the time. That's easier said than done though.

7. Life isn't complicated. Decisions, relationships, people aren't complicated. It's all very simple really. You make decisions and then you brace yourself for the consequences.

6. When people tell you no to be afraid of anything, they're lying. Go ahead and be afraid. Be so incredibly scared that your knees buckle and your stomach turns to jell-o. Then, go ahead and go through with whatever you're afraid of anyway.

5. The phrase "Live. Laugh. Love" never made any sense to me. You should be able to get more than love and laughter out of your life. If you can't experience heartbreak and grief well then you'll never appreciate life and love.

4. For all the talking people do, all the maxims passed around, nothing really takes effect until you decide to do something.

3. When you really discover that you in fact care about someone. Don't tell them. SHOW them. Do something BIG to say "You are, in fact, an amazing part of my life". Small and simple might cut it but since when has anyone said "wow, that BIG thing was nice but could you just tie my shoelace?" BIG always gets the message across. :)

2. I hate that people say "love without holding back". I say hold it back. Wait for that one person to show up who'll unlock the floodgates of love that you held safe just for them. If you continously shower all your love on people who don't deserve it, you'll be completely run dry by the end.

1. Don't live every day as if it were your last. You'll be too busy saying goodbye to everything all the time. Wake up to every sunrise as if it were the first one you'd ever seen. Live every day as if it were your FIRST. Rediscover the world every day you're alive.

Okay that is all for now. Enjoy your lives and remember that sometimes, the phrase that "they" say isn't always accurate. ;)

A wonderful woman is dying. How am I supposed to react?

This is like nothing you've -- I have ever been through. This is harder than anything I've done before, and hurting more and confusing more because it isn't something life threatening. I feel very alone, and unsure where to turn. Which is funny, considering the situation. I pray, ponder, study and read my scriptures, but this is harder. I think I'm really angry. I'm not sure whom. At me, at my friends, at family, at God, at the country, at me. At God. Angry at all the contradictions I'm hearing. Angry at the things I'm seeing, hearing, and how they affect my life.

I just want to be me. How do I know who I am? Is it what I want? What I do? What I like? Dislike? Where I'm from? What I buy? What I read? What I write? Is it what belief systems I follow? Is it who I desire? What I could do? What I have done? What I stand up for? What I don't stand up for? Who I become friends with? Which country I live in? Which state I live in? Which county I live in? The intelligent things I say? The idiotic things I say? My kind moments? My rude moments?

Who am I?

I am a Daughter of God.

But who am I that sets me apart from everyone. What defines ME, not just who I am as a human being, but who I am as me? Is this it? And if it is, should I stick to who I am, or leave?

Maybe not everything that's a part of us is supposed to be accepted.

Wanna know a secret? David Dunn is breakable. And so am I.

How do we know if we're the villain or the hero of our story?

So I don't have much to say except I'm still alive. Oh, and I checked this out. Way fun.

Created by OnePlusYou

Yeah, so much for me. Apparently life isn't as G-rated as we'd like it to be sometimes, what with things like (gasp) sex, and murder and things. Gosh Darn It!

On my way home from playing with a friend tonight, some song lyrics came to mind. "Someone told you forever, but forever it would not be." I thought maybe it was a Tim McGraw song I barely remembered hearing in 7th grade. I came home and looked up those lyrics on google, hoping to find the full song to play it on youtube. I searched google, checked on cmt.com, asked my brother-- Country Music Extroardinaire-- and checked again on google, with all kinds of variations.

I gave up and went to play on Facebook. Shortly into my game, I came to the realization-- and, yes, this is a little pathetic-- I had MY song stuck in my head. I had heard the song I was looking for, and, in an effort to create something similar, wrote the song "Scars." It's been so long (7 years) since I wrote it, that I'd pretty much forgotten about it. It's funny because, when I'd written it originally, I'd purposefully written the three verses to be three situations which I had no emotional relation to. And, though I'm not getting a divorce, which was the original premise of the first verse, my experience this week still matches it. Isn't it funny?

So, this is the song, "Scars". I'd sing it, but... that's obviously impossible.

Scars

Someone told you forever,
But forever it would not be.
They turned their back on you,
And said forever they could not see.

Scars, scars, scars,
Each and everyone has their scars.
They may hurt, but they will help;
If only we saw their part.

Mom had to have those cigarettes
Don't have any idea why.
Cancer seemed her one weakness.
Why did she have to die?

First day of tenth grade.
No one wanted to be his friend.
Was it that he had to change?
Did he really have to bend?

Scars can heal and help us
If we really work it out.
Don't blame it on the others.
Don't sit down and pout.

Scars, scars, scars.
Each and everyone has their scars.
They may hurt, but they will help.
We've just gotta see their part.



So, that's basically one of several songs I wrote in the beginning of junior high. Yes, I'm a genius. Lol, jk. Um, so I was engaged, and I'm not engaged anymore. That's why I was thinking of this.

Oh, wow, it's been almost a month since I posted. :P HEY, I want you all to check out this website!

iAMio (iAMio.blogspot.com)

It's the beginning of my new comic strip, iAMio. I have one comic already posted, and will be posting them each day. One a day. I hope. But at least for this next week. Just kidding. Okay, yeah, go check it out. :) Zombies!

I haven't been writing very much personal junk lately, cause I can't say I appreciate the postly psychological evaluations that come my way. Anyway, I was talking to a friend whose parents have both died, and she had something very interesting to say. Of the wonderful grades she got this past semester, she did fail one class. Her sister heard about it, and one thing she came back with was a "What would mom and dad think?" She told me she doesn't give a (crap) about what her parents think, which seemed over the top, until she continued, and explained what she meant. She cares about her parents' opinions, but not enough to make herself stop to become who they want her to become. One particular point she made was very interesting. Something to the effect of "Children must make their own decisions, becoming different people from what their parents wanted them to be."

I have been constantly growing into my own person, while accepting the similarities between me and my parents. I am certainly not them. (particularly politically-- i like hillary, my mom doesn't) And so this post is not one they would approve of, and I know that from the beginning. At the same time, this is me, this is what I believe, and I am my own person.

I try to stay away from too-touchy subjects on here, because I hate to argue with people I think are wrong. (funny, huh?) Especially people I love, though. I have my own opinion, as my own independent person.

What is the definition of being "gay" in our culture? Is it the physical attraction towards the same sex, or is it the official pronouncement of "I'm comin' out!"

I have a lesbian friend who had a difficult time in her region after she came out. This was some of what she had to say.

I am gay And now have been beaten at least four times for it. why is the world full of such hate. I have friends who wont even talk to me now that I am in the open. I am happy and if you have a problem with that you can go {be with} the opposite sex for all I care.

It hurt to hear of it, especially because she's in another part of the United States altogether, so i didn't feel like I could offer the comfort and friendship to the extent she needed. I've been thinking on the subject of tolerance in this area.

Y'know, it's really funny because I hear people saying "the church is against gay marriage" but they don't remember, realize, or mention that the church is also for tolerance to homosexual members and nonmembers. They issued an official document concerning homosexual feelings. Of course, they address members who are being tried with homosexual tendencies, but they also briefly speak to other members of the church.

Some people with same-gender attraction have felt rejected because members of the Church did not always show love. No member of the Church should ever be intolerant. As you show love and kindness to others, you give them an opportunity to change their attitudes and follow Christ more fully... A number of Latter-day Saints with same-gender attraction are moving forward with their lives by carefully adhering to gospel standards, staying close to the Lord, and obtaining ecclesiastical and professional help when needed. Their lives are rich and satisfying, and they can be assured that all the blessings of eternal life will ultimately be theirs.

The First Presidency stated: “We encourage Church leaders and members to reach out with love and understanding to those struggling with these issues. Many will respond to Christlike love and inspired counsel” (letter, Nov. 14, 1991). It is also often helpful to seek guidance from professional counselors who are experienced in working with same-gender attraction issues and whose counsel is consistent with gospel teachings.

And to His children who struggle,

You are a precious son or daughter of God. He not only knows your name; He knows you. His love for you is individual. You lived in His presence before you were born on this earth. You cannot remember your premortal relationship with Him, but He does. Although His children may sometimes do things that disappoint Him, He will always love them.

I think we've forgotten that these are children of Heavenly Father. I had a friend who, as we were talking the other day, was bashing a certain boy band. I was fine with that; she can have her opinion of their music. But when I asked if they were gay (based on a couple seconds of a music video I'd seen) she responded, "I hope so" because she can't stand homosexuals, and it would make it all the easier to hate them.

I believe that married, or unmarried, heterosexual, or homosexual, people ought to have the same tax benefits of married people. I'm not sure whether or not gay/lesbians ought to have the ability to have the status of marriage, but they certainly ought to have the benefits that come with it. Maybe something similar to marriage someday?

I believe that there is no reason a gay couple could NOT raise a successful child into a stable, good adult.

1-- There are many couples who have lived without the Spirit who have successfully raised a good child.
2-- There is nothing in a gay relationship that could not happen in a 'straight' relationship.
3-- and, no, it doesn't turn their child gay (rolling eyes if you actually thought that)

Some myths that are actually believed:
Gays become child molesters or are pedophiles
Gay PEOPLE are evil.
These feelings don't happen to people who are doing what they ought to do.
The feelings are not easy to just get rid of.
Just because you have these feelings, does not mean you're gay
It won't make a child gay if their parents are gay.
Gay is not a synonym for stupid.



Check this out.

"Reasons to Choose to be Gay"

1. To become rejected by society.

2. To have multiple religious groups against me.

3. To raise my risks of becoming physically harmed.

4. To take risks of being mentally harmed.

5. To have fewer rights than everyone else.

6. To risk losing the support of my family and friends.

7. To risk losing my family and friends all together.

8. To risk losing chances at jobs.

9. To get flamed for being a "flamer."

10. To be a large target for rude jokes.

11. To be degraded by others.

12. To be talked about as "things" instead of human beings.

13. To raise my chance of being led toward suicide.

14. To lose my chance at a rightful marriage.

15. To lose myself because I'm hiding from everyone else.


Who wouldn't choose to be gay?!?!



The Heterosexual Questionnaire


1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

4. Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

5. If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, how can you be sure you wouldn’t prefer that?

6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

7. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they’d face?

10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual men. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual male teachers, pediatricians, priests, or scoutmasters?

11. With all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

12. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

13. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

14. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you fear s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?

15. Heterosexuals are notorious for assigning themselves and one another rigid, stereotyped sex roles. Why must you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?

16. With the sexually segregated living conditions of military life, isn’t heterosexuality incompatible with military service?

17. How can you enjoy an emotionally fulfilling experience with a person of the other sex when there are such vast differences between you? How can a man know what pleases a woman sexually or vice-versa?

18. Shouldn’t you ask your far-out straight cohorts, like skinheads and born-agains, to keep quiet? Wouldn’t that improve your image?

19. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?

20. Why do you attribute heterosexuality to so many famous lesbian and gay people? Is it to justify your own heterosexuality?

21. How can you hope to actualize your God-given homosexual potential if you limit yourself to exclusive, compulsive heterosexuality?

22. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. After all, you never deliberately chose to be a heterosexual, did you? Have you considered aversion therapy or Heterosexuals Anonymous?




Please just remember that people with homosexual tendencies are not the "Them". They are the us, though they may not be the YOU. Be more supportive, more kind. More tolerant, please?